plan not good enough. by athina Blog entry

Blog: * in pursuit of perfection *
by athina

plan not good enough.

why couldn't I just have been born a normal person, who eats normally without any kind of wierd fixation on food?

Date: 12/27/2006 7:46:08 PM ( 18 y ) ... viewed 3117 times

it's just not good enough to undo the damage i've done these past few days. the space between my ears is clouded and my thoughts are all over the place. this isn't working. i need to fast again - I need to clear my my head. this feels awful.

yet another binge today, i just can't control it. i'm fasting again, and that's that. another 20 days at least starting january 1st. that gives me three days to finish off the head of lettuce, two tomatoes and three carrots in my fridge. i'm going to clean my bowels up with these foods, pushing the bad stuff out I hope - so the first few days of my fast are easier. i should just liquidate all the fat on my body this time, so maybe 20 days is not enough. i need to take it all the way, I need to get my body into a shape that i will respect enough not to f**k up post-fast.

i can't help but notice however, how my hair is shining in a way it didn't during the fast - definitely been benefitting from the protein intake. well, if it recovered in two weeks of eating it will recover again. i hate being fat, just f**king hate it! i hate being a slave to food, it's just such a mental f**k-up!!!!

someone tell me if this is a true eating disorder coming on, unlike all the others. i'm eating to the point where my stomach hurts? why am i doing this to myself, WHY?????? i feel the reflux and pain and just keep on eating. i know it has a lot to do with my personal life, i'm having problems with work and legal problems in the country where i live right now, everything's a f**king mess. i also hate winter, hate the cold. i feel so lonely sometimes, eventhough i have friends.

yes, i have psychological issues. i'm such a basket case but doesn't everyone have problems? why have I been blessed with such a weak constitution that forces me to feed my empty soul through my mouth everytime I get stressed?

you know what else I had today? a green salad, breadsticks, a cheese pastry, 4 cookies, 3 souvlaki sticks, 1 pita, a serving of fries, 5 crackers and 10 minutes ago I finished an omelet that had FIVE eggs in it. it's like I'm making up for all the food i didn't have during my fast. and I feel like throwing it all up.

during the fast I felt so good! so in control, like I was floating on air. this feeling I have now is like having 10 bricks balanced on my head, weighing down my spirit, threatening my emotional stability. i can't let this go on. i'm even considering right now throwing all those veggies i mentioned earlier in the garbage and starting the fast tomorrow - but I can't start the fast cause the grandmother is EXPECTING me to eat with her on new years eve. then there's the party after 12 i 'have' to attend with a friend. I want to skip both. imagine that, cancelling out new years eve to do a f**king fast! that can't be normal, but feeling this way sure isn't. it's either one extreme or the other, never a happy medium.

how the hell did this all start? last thursday, when I ate all that spinach and rice overstuffing myself so it didn't go to waste. that must have just been an excuse to overeat, and i've been eating out of guilt ever since.

no, i won't throw out that food. it's best i eat those veggies to move out the crap currently sitting in my bowels. stopping food right away will ensure that crap stays there for a long time.

my stomach really hurts right now, but you know what if i had cookies i'd be eating them. man, i really want to purge this all out, but last time red spots (presumably veins?) broke out all around my eyes and I got a killer case of reflux so I can't do it again. this rock-hard stomach is punishment for what i've done.

why are the gods punishing me this way? why couldn't I just have been born a normal person, who eats normally without any kind of wierd fixation on food? why is it that I only feel safe abstaining from everything? it's like heroin, either the addict consumes it in full or goes into treatment on methadone. then they become addicted to methadone. i wish i had some pot to smoke, that would surely get my mind off of food, like in the good old days. trading one habit for another i guess - well at least smoking pot doesn't make you fat (as long as you don't give into the munchies).

i got a spliff in a hiding spot right now. I'll be breaking it out as a reward for my completed fast. For now I'm counting down the days till I start. I can't wait for day 3 - that perfect light feeling, it'll feel SO good. Just need those 72 hours of withdrawal to pass, I know I can do it! I have to do it cause if I don't I'm gonna f**king go insane!