at the speed of light

elevating quicker than I thought possible

Date:   10/7/2006 1:45:40 AM   ( 18 y ) ... viewed 2711 times

everything is improving REALLY fast. I've gone back a bit to the eating disorder. I feel ready on the one hand for life to get way better, and on the other hand, I am not used to abundance and accepting that God wants to give me an amazing life. It feels so stupid to eat compulsively. I think I'm afraid to feel beautiful and to feel like I have no vices and thus no excuse to not be the happiest person ever, which is absurd and yet what fear isn't? I've had an entirely traumatic existence. I don't like that I can't just shed all my defense mechanisms and bad habits at once. on a certain level, I think I could go ahead and stop. It's just fear that's got me doing this stuff, yet the fear Is the defense mechanism, so I'm talking in circles. In a month, I'll be able to give Johrei. I look forward to it. I want to be of service to people and God and focus on myself less.

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