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The Dead Sea Scroll Recipes.
101 Recipes For
Leftover Camel.
by
Don Iarussi MFA
Date: 12/22/2006 3:05:31 PM ( 18 y ) ... viewed 2482 times The Dead Sea Scroll Recipes.
101 Recipes For
Leftover Camel.
by
Don Iarussi MFA
Copyright MCMXCIV
A MESSAGE OF INTRODUCTION BY PROF. I. BEN-QASARA, Translator
DEAR READERS:
I have made studying Bedouin cuisine my life's work -- so it is only right that
the world on this momentous occasion should summon me, Ibrahim ben-Qasara,
Professor of Camel Studies, Cairo Junior College, Ph.D, M.A., M.A., B.A., and
author of many scholarly books and articles, including the academically
definitive works "Camels in Egyptian Hieroglyphic Literature, 1630 - 1614 B.C."
and "Waiter, There's a Camel in My Soup."
We speak now of the often-maligned camel. But in truth, the camel is an
honorable beast. Sure they're slow, reluctant to work, stupid, stinking, ugly,
mean, nasty and can eat you out of house and home; but all of God's other
creatures aren't perfect either. How about the giraffe? Have you ever seen
anything as ridiculous-looking as a giraffe? And what use does a giraffe have?
A camel will transport you through a sandstorm -- all giraffes want to do is
stay in and go to the movies. And anyone who has ever sat behind a giraffe in
the theatre will tell you exactly what he thinks should happen to all the
giraffes in the world.
But back to the Dead Sea Scroll Recipes. What does their discovery mean to us?
How was such a thing found? Why would anybody want to hide them in the first
place?
First, a team of scholars led by me, Professor I. ben-Qasara, have positively
identified the scrolls as authentic. Their discovery 3000 years after their
writing marks the dawning of a new era in our time, a world where warfare does
not exist and camel meat producers gain a major market share right behind beef,
chicken and pork. We can expect, according to the ancient writings, a new and
long-lasting Renaissance of art, culture, and high protein-low polyunsaturated
fat main courses. The world will arise each day to universal goodwill among men
and camelmeat breakfast strips.
The scrolls were found in a crevice of a cave above the Dead Sea by a young
shepherd boy tending his flock. The boy was alone with one of his lambs,
reportedly searching on the hillside for shelter from the rain when the document
was discovered. However, this explanation was quite suspect from the very
beginning to my team and I, knowing the annual rainfall of the area. What was
the full story? But alas, for just a few hundred American dollars I gave to an
Arab who said he lived near the site, I found out the dark, hidden secret of the
shepherd boy (who has wished to remain nameless for all eternity) and can reveal
it for the first time: The boy had been hired by Jackie Onassis to find her a
secluded retreat away from the international photographers. In doing so, he
found the Dead Sea Scroll Recipes! What a story! My agent is negotiating a TV
movie deal starring one of the Charlie's Angels even as you read this.
Cairo, Egypt
Ibrahim ben-Qasara
Professor, Cairo Jr. College
THE DEAD SEA SCROLL RECIPES:
101 IDEAS FOR LEFTOVER CAMEL
A rare insight into everyday life in the "cradle of civilization"
3000 years ago
As translated by Professor Ibrahim ben-Qasara, Ph.D, Cairo Jr. College
AN AUTHORITY IN HIS FIELD
(The following is the text that matches the illustration ideas. Certainly an
introduction by
Prof. ben-Qasara would be in order, and will follow.)
EGYPTIAN TOAST A passage in the scrolls that incredibly predicted the invention
of the "toa - ster", or "toaster" 3000 years into the future
CAMEL GRITS Another passage that incredibly predicted the rise of a foreign
leader who would one day return the deserts to the Arabs
CAMEL MOUSSE No doubt a tribute to the evolutionary predecessor of the camel --
the moose. A special dish made only once a year, reminding ancients of when
only moose roamed the desert.
WON TON CAMEL Actually, a little joke (says the Professor). Camels which
reached the weight of one ton could not, under ancient Arabic law, be eaten.
Rather, they were bronzed, painted gold, and sold to unsuspecting tourists
as solid by Arab merchants who play-acted ignorance of that day's
international metals exchange rates per ton of gold
CAMEL LUAU Traditional first dinner for those who have just arrived off the
boat, in an Egyptian port
(Illustration idea -- addition of two fully dressed Britishers one of
whom says, "I say, London seems awfully hot this summer")
CAMEL A LA KING A high cholesterol dish that ended the rule of the Pharoahs
prematurely (-- oi -- have I got heartburn)
CAMEL ON A STICK "Boardwalk" food. Extremely popular in ancient Egypt, because
a boardwalk extended from the sea to the end of the beach -- 1,031 miles
across the Sahara
STUFFED CAMEL Sitting at a table with dishes, the camel looks satiated, having
finished a huge meal
CAMEL ON A STICK At a carnival, ferris wheel background, a young Arab child
holds this, the equivalent of cotton candy or a hot dog on a stick. The
child looks happy, the camel looks pained. The child's parent is seen from
the waist down
WON TON CAMEL The camel stands upright in a big potful of soup. Also standing
up is a weight scale, reading "1 ton"
CAMEL LUAU Camel with a lei over its neck, sunglasses, Hawaiian shirt, holding
iced tea glass with straw. Pineapples and maybe an airplane are in
background. However, the camel is roasting on a stick
PEKING CAMEL Slant eyed camel, wearing green Maoist shirt (?), seated at the
Great Hall of the People, in Peking, welcoming Richard Nixon maybe?
Hundreds of Chinese peasants eating rice in background
CAMEL POT PIE
CAMEL A LA KING Camel is a sheik outside his harem, where near the tent in the
desert four pretty camel girls await his pleasure
CHICKEN FRIED In a henhouse full of chickens, camel is sitting on an egg,
trying CAMEL to lay it.
CAMEL LATKES At King Arthur's Round Table, sit half a dozen knights in armor
and one camel (either in armor or as King A.)
CAMELS IN BLANKETS Easy. Camel sleeps soundly in bed with pillow, blankets,
alarm clock. Show hump through blanket.
EGYPTIAN TOAST Pair of camels pop out of the toaster
PICKLED CAMELS Let's confuse this one with "Tickled camel's feet"
FEET Hysterical camel is having his feet tickled by human arab attendant
CAMEL FRA DIABLO Two "conscience" camels surround the camel's head -- one angel
camel, one devil camel. Camel seems to be siding with devilish side.
CAMEL MOUSSE A camel with antlers (tied on with string?)
CAMEL GRITS Camel with a face that looks like Jimmy Carter's (smiling) or a
camel gritting his teeth as he overlooks an obstacle in the desertCAMEL
STROGANOFF Camel dancing a Russian folk dance, knees bent, arms folded,
wearing a fur hat
COMMERCIAL IDEAS FOR CAMEL
Restaurants:
KENTUCKY FRIED CAMEL The Colonel, in a turban, unshaven and distinctly
Arabic, sells camel by the bucketful. "Kentucky Fried Camel, We do
camel right!"
McCAMEL'S Under the sign of the golden camel, standing over the
restaurant like the Golden Arches, the restaurant has sold more than 40
million camelburgers. Nearby is Ronald McCamel, a camel dressed in a clown
suit
CAMEL KING Also sells camelburgers. Countergirl sings "Hold the chick
peas, hold the hummos, special orders don't upset us"
Other products:
CAMELMINT GUM Camel holds up a giant pack of Camelmint gum, at an angle
pointing upward. Camel smiles. On the pack, is an arrow with a two headed
camel, one on each side of the package. Slogan: "Double your pleasure,
double your fun...with Camelmint gum"
PLYMOUTH CAMEL XT-9 A Chrysler product, what else. Moving into the full
size, luxury camel market, this camel has fur seats, racing stripes,
and gets an MPG rating of 25 in the city and 45 in the desert (miles
per gallon of water consumed)
ABDUL'S RENT-A-CAMEL Abdul puts you in the driver's seat. Or, "You don't
have to run through deserts"
LEFTOVER IDEAS FOR LEFTOVER CAMEL
(An alternate list)
DEVILED CAMEL Camel holding a devil fork and looking like he's from the
netherland
CAMEL BARBEQUE Camel at the outdoor grill, summer day, kids are playing in the
swimming pool on a hot day. Camel wears an apron reading (For this I spent
10 years in the Foreign Legion) (or better suggestion)
CAMEL CHILI Camel shivers while standing in front of an ice box on an oasis in
(CHILI CON CAMEL) the desert. But the ice box is probably a mirage
CAMEL TAFFY Two arab children at both ends of the camel pull it -- as taffy,
the camel pulls slowly apart in an exaggerated way
CAMEL SURPRISE Camel about to walk into his apartment, but Arabs are preparing
a surprise party for him. Alternative: the Arabs are preparing a mugging
for him
STUFFED BREAST OF Camel with falsies
CAMEL
BRANDIED CAMEL Drunk camel with cheap wine bottles nearby, he stumbles into the
gutter
GRILLED CAMEL Camel under questioning by the Arabic FBI, hot lights, camel is
sweating under spotlight. Camel wears gangster hat and tie
CAMEL JAM Camels in a huge desert freeway traffic jam. Or two camels pass
each other in a small doorway
CAMEL POPOVER Camel and his white-haired dad in his living room
CAMEL BROWNIES Camel girls in Brownie girl scout uniforms
CAMEL QUICHE Macho human (American) turns his nose up. Real men don't eat
camel quiche
CAMEL CACCIATORE Sounds better than I can describe the scene. Something from
the Godfather with camels? The God-Camel?
CAMEL PARISIENNE Camel with beret and Eiffel Tower in background?
CAMEL STROGANOFF Possibly the only remnant from the shortest reign of all
conquerors of Egypt -- the Russian Empire. The Russians successfully
invaded northern Egypt in Summer 2403 B.C. However, their attempt to
spread Russian culture and customs was an unmitigated failure, and they
retreated into the Mediterranean by July 4th weekend.
(Illustration addition: Sweating Russians in fur hats and coats in the
sun and heat of the desert)
STUFFED BREAST OF
CAMEL A meal traditionally fed to punish sex offenders. Later, Arabic
laws were made more humane, and instead, the offender's sexua| organs were
chopped off.
CAMEL SURPRISE The meal that "Weird Uncle Abdul" came to expect when he
dropped in to dinner once too often
BRANDIED CAMEL A recipe requiring a brandy marinade of the camel meat, applied
in an unusual way -- the camel was fed gallons of high-proof liquor rather
than water at his last feeding. The camel at this point could be led on
anywhere, including led to believe that Oswald was the lone gunman.
CAMEL QUICHE Obsolete. Never served in an honorable home. Even in ancient
times, real Egyptian men didn't eat Camel Quiche.
FORTUNE CAMEL Camel, traditionally a "Column B" selection in better restaurants
3000 years ago, was served with a single, large "fortune camel" at the
conclusion of the meal. This confection was broken into pieces, revealing a
message on a small slip of paper. The message was either a prediction of
events to come, or a "wise saying" written by the village elders (or the
inn-keeper's foreign-educated son)
(Illustration: Family at a restaurant, at close of meal, opening up the
still identifiable broken camel cookie. The fortune message is readable to
our eyes: "Tis better to give camel than to receive one")
CAMEL JAM Often sold at stands at the side of roads during evening rush hour
traffic problems
CAMEL BROWNIES Once popular as charity sale items until 2317 B.C., when a
shipment from neighboring Lebanon, where they were produced at a lower cost,
were found to be laced with blonde hashish
CAMEL POPOVER The first convenience food ever invented, these bake-and-serve
camels were stored in what I can only translate to mean (and here the
scrolls are faded) "the dairy case".
CAMEL TAFFY An extremely difficult dish to prepare, it first required dipping
an entire camel in salt water. Fortunately the Dead Sea was nearby.
CHILI CON CAMEL Ancient Egyptians, not known for their pleasant body odor under
normal circumstances, almost started a couple wars after eating this dish.
DEVILED CAMEL Egyptians occasionally prepared this meal so that (they believed)
their camels would not come back in a next life as Richard Nixon.
CAMEL BARBEQUE A summer Sunday afternoon activity, camel barbeques typically
occurred while the Cairo Mets were dropping a doubleheader to Alexandria.
GRILLED CAMEL In folklore, a special dish served the foreign Senator after he
was offered a large bribe by a phony sheik.
(Illustration addition: this is ABSCAM)
CAMEL LATKES Mistakenly thought to have anything to do with good King Abdul
and his Knights of the Circular Harem
PICKLED CAMELS FEET A meal strictly forbidden by the laws of the Koran. Only
eaten by Reform Moslems
PEKING CAMEL This dish gives proof for the first time that Western Civilization
did not discover China, but rather the opposite occurred
PRESSURE-COOKED
CAMEL Often eaten in mid-afternoon by white-turbaned Egyptian business
executives, especially after the tax authorities began disallowing their
deductions for 3 martini lunches.
(Illustration: White collar camel in a high pressure business situation
-- showing his major stockholders the annual report of sales -- a chart with
a line graph pointing downward)
CHICKEN FRIED
CAMEL A dish that seems to have migrated northward from Southern Africa.
There, prehistoric backward cultures captured chickens and forced them into
slavery as beasts of burden. Even after camels were introduced as
transportation and food for these odd people, they insisted on cooking their
camels the same way they cooked their chicken.CAMELS IN BLANKETS What
camels hid under in order to escape their fate, locals used as a cooking
implement once the sneaky beasts were located.
(Illustration idea: underneath the blanket a hump is quite obvious, yet
the search party is having a hard time trying to locate the camel)
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