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February 9
sneaky eating
Date: 2/9/2006 3:31:12 PM ( 18 y ) ... viewed 1848 times First of all, I had a colonic last night. It felt totally awful, but I really needed to do it. It released a lot of pressure in my abdomen.
I quickly went home to eat some baked ziti. Damn those sabotaging partners - all he did was cook, and all I did was eat. I tried to keep it under control, and I think I did.
Today I am feeling the best since Ginger died, my cat. I miss her but I feel OK and I'm really excited to get back to the gym. My "therapist" (colon cleaner) requested that I eat yogurt, and that sounds good to me.
Breakfast - yogurt
Lunch - small shrimp cesear salad, one breadstick
Snack - Diet Pepsi
Dinner - we'll see. Hopefully salad.
I'm starting to see the light. Last night when I came home, I knew ziti could make me feel bad. But I tried to have a small serving, then had another. But my lack of control was not all bad, because I entertained the notion of just having one bowl.
I've been keeping a journal with me at work, to keep myself in check during the day. To write about and examine the cravings as they happen. I'm trying to eat mindfully, and have found myself enjoying eating foods that are good for me, in amounts that are good for me.
Today there was the usual pizza order for lunch. And I felt the standard need to order a salad then go in later and sneak a few slices. But that urge came and I wrote it down, and some other stuff came up, and now I'm OK, for the moment. 40 minutes left of work.
Sneaky eating. I'm a master at it. What's the freaking deal? I want to eat embarrasing amounts of food in private, as if eating it secretly means I'm not really eating it. I want to have food that other people are eating - cheesy, greasy yummy food in huge quantities. I feel entitled to food, and I get extra excited as I'm approaching the end of a serving - the anticipation - will there be more? What else can I eat? It's really weird.
But I've done well today. The question is can I keep it up - one day at a time.
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