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h-17, m-45
To do list for cleanse, thoughts arising as I approach the challenge.
Date: 3/7/2008 5:52:30 AM ( 16 y ) ... viewed 1510 times Woke to lovely nightmares again. Last night's enchantment was watching a newscast and the anchor covering a story on two celebrities who suffered strokes, one partially paralyzed. The key to recovery, they advised, was to get a scan of some sort measuring the damage. That way, you know where you're starting from and what gains you've made. Interesting. Where am I starting from in this change? A list of symptoms that truly frighten me. I've been to three different practitioners (one a naturopath) in one year and advised to them the following:
inability to get things done long term
abdominal discomfort, feels like golf balls lodged in my gut
gas and constipation
headaches
aching bones and joints
swollen feet and hands
bad breath
yellow teeth
sore throat
mild ear aches
difficulty swallowing regularly, like a lump in my throat
depression
nightmares
difficulty getting to and staying asleep
blotchy skin
low energy
huge cravings for processed food (all junk of course)
body aches
That's the tip of the iceberg. Tests on my cell count, tests for organ disfunction, for diabetes, for cancer. Amino acids prescribed, multi-vitamins. No cancer, no disease found. I need to be thankful for that and run like hell toward life, like a rocket.
I've wanted to be so much more each day, each moment. Yet, though my behavioral choices, I've come to this spot. Behavioral choices. Thinking choices. Life choices.
The second nightmare I had last night was of a beauty queen, really - sparkling crown, gown, the works- was crying because she was reminded of a friend who died. She named his name and I realized that I knew him years ago. It was so long ago and she was crying like it was yesterday. She had never moved on. That's what I'll take from this. It is my time to move on. Move on from all disappointments previous to this moment, all illusions, and all delusions. I live in America, what do I really have to bitch about? I've been abroad to monastaries so poor that the whole in the ground was their plumbing. My perspective is off.
I've contacted a charity that sews clothing for veterans who have lost limbs. I have my limbs, I have a sewing machine, I have the ability. I will put myself to work toward something other than myself, my wants, my needs, my whining of how unhappy I am. I've got my limbs. I'm grateful for that today.
My teacher gave me a book that outlines how to change your mind and change your life. Okay - let's do that. If it can be written down, then I guess I have clear cut instructions on how to do it. No excuses anymore. The clock never stops ticking.
Glass of water, grab my bags for work, go to the gym first. Not a bad start. I might even enjoy it. Got trained 4 weeks ago on light machines for weight lifting and on a treadmill for cardio. I'm doing all the right things: doctor supervision for my health, professional training for the workout process, even a therapist to talk to once a week about my progress. I've written affirmations and had them laminated. They're on my bathroom mirror and in my desk. I read them when I get up to remind me of where I want to go and I read them during the day when I feel lost at sea.
It's all easy right now, to just think about it, imagine it. Hold the book, the plan, the idea. Walking each step, feeling each moment's resistance of my body, my mind and my comfort level as I know it. I've hidden all these years behind "I can't because. . ." Just fill in the blank. I've spent my life filling in the blank and that thought pattern has shaped me.
I will grab some water, an apple and my gym clothes. I'll pick up panty hose and the dry-cleaning on my way to work so I'll have something to wear. High-ho. Really.
Today: begin to write the coming week's menus, buy cold-pressed olive oil, emergency plan for emotional support before picking up the crap-food, list really yummy emergency foods to have available each day for instant gratification in a craving, list self-care support that will help the detox process (body brushing, dead sea salts for hot baths, massage, etc.)
I can be a light for myself. I can be a light for others.
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