A common theme in families of addictions, trauma or divorce is, “Nothing is ever enough.” In these situations there is little or no family acceptance or recognition of individual achievement. Often children will try to achieve in order to generate pride within the family. The child who looks to the family for praise, recognition, and validation is treated as selfish and needy. For many, this battle with inadequacy and a need for family recognition can be acted out well into adult life if not changed.

One component of inadequacy is the illusion of perfectionism. If a person does not get family recognition for achievements, it is difficult for them to accurately evaluate success and accomplishments in adult life. Often this results in a quest to be perfect. Perfectionism can never be achieved, leaving an individual’s self worth susceptible to perpetual feelings of inadequacy.

Loneliness is the experience of being a member of a family but not feeling the bonds, respect, or companionship that exists in healthy families. In families of trauma, each member feels that they are not important. Other issues, such as family problems, addictions, frustrations, and extended family issues, become the primary focus. The needs of each individual are largely ignored, resulting in a sense of unimportance and loneliness.

In an attempt to fill the void of loneliness and inadequacy, people often are attracted to other unhealthy relationships that re-enforces this dynamic.

Abandonment is a parental relationship issue. In most families of trauma, the relation between a child and one or both of the parents has been damaged. Issues such as abuse, separation, divorce, and addictions are the primary causes of parent/child relationship breakdown. The loss of parental recognition, relationship, and support is the primary cause of the feelings of abandonment.

Well JeSuisPapillon, I think there is some things you are not talking about.

Some Common Factors of Self hurt:
There was a major change in the teen's life -- parents divorce or death.
Intense feelings of fear, hurt, anger, rejection or abandonment.
Feelings of loss and or need for control.

To find it soothing:
To feel pain on the outside instead of the inside.
To cope with feelings.
To express anger towards yourself.
To feel alive and real.

Triggering Events are:
Being rejected by someone who is important to uou.
Being blamed for something over which you had no control.
Feeling inadequate.
Being "wrong" in some way.

Some coping mechanisms, may include exercising, painting, pencil drawing, writing, yoga or dancing, etc. A process that involves self-expression is often helpful. Whatever works as an alternative method of coping with the feelings of anxiety or stress or "numbness" is often a good start.

You can be the most beautiful papillon of all if you do this :)
Learn to love yourself!
if you keep giving to others without giving to yourself, it is like pouring water from a vessel. If you pour and pour without ever refilling it, eventually, it will run dry. So, if we are like that vessel, how do we refill, recharge, re-energize, and replenish ourselves, so that we will have energy and love to give to others and to the world? The answer is: by loving and giving to yourself first. How do we begin to do this?

There are many ways for us to love and to care for ourselves... The possibilities are infinite. One way to learn to love yourself is to act as if you already do (i.e., "Fake it till you make it"). An important way to love yourself is to nourish and care for your body: eat healthy foods and exercise regularly. You may want to "treat" yourself to things like a facial, a pedicure, or a gym membership. Taking breaks and having fun are important.
You can take a bubble bath, a walk on the beach, swim in the ocean (those waters are very healing), or watch a sunset. Perhaps you enjoy taking time to paint or to write. These are just a few ideas... You can put your own imagination to work..

Another way to enhance self-love and self-esteem is to be aware of your self-talk (those things that you say to yourself inside your head). Speak to yourself in ways that are more kind, and less mean or abusive. Many of us have very harsh inner critics: When we make a mistake, this critical voice inside our head beats up on us, saying things like, "That was so stupid! ... I can't do anything right! ... What a loser!" We need to replace these negative messages with other, more positive ones. For example, "I made a mistake. That's okay: That is how I learn. I'll know better the next time." With awareness, over time, you can "catch yourself" when your self-talk is negative, and change the message to something more positive and "ego-enhancing."

Don't just "catch yourself being wrong." "Catch yourself being right." In other words, don't just catch the voice of your inner critic, and stop it from beating up on you. When you do something well, or when you find yourself saying the right things to yourself or to others, be sure to reward yourself: acknowledge yourself verbally, give yourself a pat on the back, or treat yourself to something special.

Yet another way you can learn to love yourself is by being in the practice of using positive affirmations. Take some time to come up with the qualities that you most want to embody. Choose about two or three to focus on for any one period of time. Then try this for at least a month: Repeat those qualities daily, telling yourself that you are those things, already. Whether or not you currently believe it, say it anyway... Again, "Fake it till you make it." For example, take time to tell yourself, each day, "I am happy and successful" or "I am beautiful and bright" or "I love my body: I feel healthy and in balance" or "I am loving, caring, and worthy of love" or "I am powerful and self-confident" ... whatever qualities you wish to be. You may want to write out these affirmations and post them someplace where you will see them regularly: on the bathroom mirror, on the refrigerator door, by the clock in your bedroom, atop your computer monitor, or somewhere in front of your desk at work. Even if, at first, you feel silly or uncomfortable repeating or reading these phrases, you may find that you grow into and become these qualities. You may even realize that you embodied them all along; you just had not realized it.

So, go ahead. Love yourself. Be good to yourself. Treat yourself well. Replenish yourself. You will discover that, the more you love yourself, the more you will be able to give love to others - and the more others will want to be around you and give back to you. This is a win-win situation. Loving yourself will ultimately benefit the lives of others you encounter, as well as your own life.

And now Je Suis Butterfly...each positive step is a blossom with nectar. it will give you strength to flutter your wings and brave the strong winds.

Dieu vous bénissent papillon :)