Date:   9/19/2007 6:43:24 PM ( 17 y ago)
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URL:   https://www.curezone.org/forums/fm.asp?i=986452

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I have hard time getting over my husband's looking at sleezy stuff online. As far as I know, it wasn't p 0 r n, just models in bikinis, some youtube stuff, sports illustrated, maxim, ifl girls, cheerleaders, etc. He claims that he didn't jacked off to the pictures, he only looked....He also said he wasn't seeking those images on purpose. They were links from different website (sports, etc)...so he clicked on those...

I found that about a month ago, confronted him, he first denied, then addmitted. I was ready to throw in the towel. To me it's like a betrayal. Made me feel absolutely ugly and low. Secrecy also kills me.
Since then we went to our christian friends (they were trying to mediate for us and councel).
It's been a rollercoaster. One day I am OK, then something reminds me of what he did, and I go into anger and really depressed mood. He appologized many times, he promised to never do that again. He wants to get me passed it and start fresh.
I have so much unresolved anger with this person. Although he is not violent or nasty, he is passive agressive. I felt deprived emotionally and phisically by him for most of our marriage. He blaimed his lack of intimacy (basically he didn't approach me much) on my moodiness, anger, etc....5 months could pass, and he wouldn't make a pass. I would eventually explode, we do the deed, and then the same thing begins again.... My self-esteem got very low because of that....
In the past year, he began working out, and he appears to be more phisically fit, and more sexually interested. However, sex has become such a hassle, that I told him on many occasions that I am not really interested anymore....We still had it once a month or so, but it was not very intimate (like two lovers, more like a relief)...

In other aspects, he is a pretty nice guy. Great dad, pays most of the bills, takes care of the house ok, works hard, etc.
If marriage was great, I probably wouldn't care about the bikini crap. But it's been so disfunctional for so long, that this recent thing was like slap in a face and crush to my womanhood...and it made me want to leave.
I feel like he has no loyalty for me.
He claims that he only started looking at stuff like this this summer. He said I wasn't approchiable, and he wanted to see female form.

I don't know how to deal with my emotions and feelings about this. On one hand, I think it's silly to leave someone over looking at pictures...., especially when children are involved.....On the other hand, I have hard time reconciling in my brain his actions. It really hurts, and I am very angry. To me, it's cowardly and low integrity....especially coming from a guy who is such Fervent Christian....

I am much younger then he. Although I need to loose some weight, I still look attractive. Part of me wonders if I can find someone better or just be on my own....And then again, kids are involved, everything is complicated...

Anyway, I am confused, and I don't know how to cope with this. Perhaps, you can give me perspecive on this.




 

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