Date:   9/5/2007 2:37:48 AM ( 17 y ago)
Hits:   6,099
URL:   https://www.curezone.org/forums/fm.asp?i=957207

I wouldn't even waste money on marriage counseling until you spend a bunch on individual counseling.  But, some people cannot be helped;  They are users and no matter how much others try to help them, they remain users.  I hope that is not what you are, but I do have my suspicions.  The very first order of business for you is to learn how to be honest with yourself, because you are severely lacking in that department.  You know much more than you are leading on and you tend to blame others for your behavior (I can tell by your sentence: "He'll regret leaving...").  When you go through life that way, you have to choose your victims well, and ever so often one will stand up to you and complain.  They become more of a liability to you than an asset and you end up trying to figure out how to replace them with one who is easier to manipulate and control.

"My husband has brought up my non-responsiveness many, many times. Each time he does I just think he's having a bad day and is taking it out on me"

No you don't.  You think he is right, but you don't like hearing it and prefer not to deal with it.

"I must admit I don't smile much and I don't have very much fun in life."

That is the guilt trip you lay on him to make him feel bad and to enable you to keep treating him the same way.

"I just never paid much attention to intimacy. I thought sex was it."

Somehow, I do not believe that.  Unless you live under a rock.

"He probably connected to me but I havn't to him."

LOL.  No.  He settled for what he could get from you.

"He feels like a stranger in his own home. I guess that's all the other intimacy things you are talking about."

Don't drag us into your masquerade.  It is your story.  You know exactly what all the intimacy things are he is complaining of better than we do.

"I don't communicate and find excuses to get out of the conversations."

When you use someone for giving you things and you know they want more than you do out of the relationship, you lose respect for them.  And, you learn how to get what you want more efficiently.  In other words, you give less and less of yourself while they are still giving the same.  The problem you are having is that he is noticing this and reacting.  So, now you want someone to tell you how to keep him and his paycheck around, without having to give him the intimacy and love he has always wanted.  The old saying comes to mind...you can fool some of the people most of the time, and most of the people some of the time, but you can't fool all of the people all of the time. 

"Well, I've learned how to take care of myself with him and I'm still in pretty good shape so I don't think I'll have any trouble finding someone else. It sure was nice while it lasted. My daughter will miss him though."

You seriously need help!  Are you for real?

"I'll get the Ellen Kreidman material and try that for a while."

I am not sure you will like her advice, because you have to do the things you did back when you were passionate and in love, and it doesn't sound like you ever had those moments to recreate.

"But I know the first time he sees me with someone else, or hears about me being with someone else, he'll want me back. Sorry, too late. He'll regret leaving..."

No, my guess is he will wonder why he wasted all those years.

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