Date:   9/2/2007 8:41:04 AM ( 17 y ago)
Hits:   11,597
URL:   https://www.curezone.org/forums/fm.asp?i=955285

Like Harleygrl, I spent years in a lop-sided relationship and only got wasted years to show for it.

I am curious as to what it is you love about this man? He is as unavailable as can be. He really doesn't even sound likeable.

You said that you wouldn't mind if he talked to girls if he didn't do all the other stuff he does. He won't stop doing that, trust me. He gets a narcissitic feed off the attention I am sure. After all, he's a "rock star", so I feel certain that he enjoys the "groupie" attention. That probably will not change.

You are asking for our help. I think you knew we would all say "go". I went from person to person asking for help. I didn't want them to tell me to leave him, I wanted them to tell me how to stay with him - change him from a cheater and liar to a righteous loving guy. Of course, they couldn't do it. So I got angry with them, and told the story to EVERYONE, looking for that one solution that would not involve the pain of leaving and healing. Looking back that was a dreadful waste of time. My "love" was not sufficient enough to change him. This devastated me and lowered my esteem. The truth is, NO ONE has love sufficient to change another human. The person has to want to change. Has to see the destructive pattern, has to get humble enough and self aware enough to change, then has to make the necessary changes. How will you know? He will tell you specifically what it is that he does - you will not have to point it out to him - and that he is very aware of the pain it caused you. He will set about on a course of amends - all the phone numbers will be gone, and he will not be offended about offering some sort of accountability as to his whereabouts, given that he is now aware of all the distrust he created and is willing to give you the time you need to rebuild the trust. He will begin to touch you and to make love to you, telling you that he is aware that he was maliciously starving you for affection in order to hold you closer to him. He will blame NO ONE else for his behavior, with the exception of maybe looking into the past as to how he acquired his behavior. He might tell you that he must seek professional help, and might need to let you go until he becomes healthy enough to establish a real relationship with a woman ---- do you see where this is going? It is so difficult for most people to become honest enough to do all these things. Do you have the time to sit back, quit trying to change him (because you CAN'T), and wait and see IF he MIGHT come around and do all these painful steps to becoming an emotionally healthy person?? Because if all he's doing is throwing you a dog biscuit when he sees you are almost dead of starvation, then he doesn't give a damn about you and is only doing enough to keep you there. And if you are like I was, then you are trying to show him your suffering, lecturing him, giving him subtle and not so subtle hints, tearfully begging him to love you love you love you. Hoping that he will "hear" you. Well he hears you. And the answer to your questions (do you love me? will you be an intimate man with me? will you stop phone cheating and real cheating and be monogamous with me? will you honor me for the wonderful woman that I am? can you see me?) - sorry, honey, the answer that he is giving you - NOT OUT OF HIS MOUTH, BUT BY HIS ACTIONS - is NO. He is telling you NO, and you do not want that answer. So you stand there, his doormat and victim, insisting that you won't leave till he tells you YES. And he may. And he may not. If he does it is one in a million, if he doesn't then you are doomed to keep begging and groveling for your weekly dog biscuit till YOU become self aware enough to see what you are doing. I am not trying to be mean to you, I am telling you about my exact experiences. Trying to get someone to be what you need is an exercise in futility. I recommend finding someone who already has what you need.

I was very "in love" with my unavailable cheater. I thought he had the greatest personality, and he had a beautiful body, and long blonde jesus hair. And when I left him, I had a lot of issues to deal with, 12 years worth. He lives today with one of his mistresses, and is still doing all the same things, only to her. You see, SHE thought that she had the Healing Love that would turn him around. But no one does. The changes that this man has to make can only come from him waking up to him Self. I left him feeling very much in love with him, and it took a long time to stop "loving" him. I did learn that Love that is not returned is not love, it is yearning. It is indeed painful to get up and leave. It is more painful to lay there on the floor after he has "nailed" you, and watch him get up, dust off and go back to playing a video game, year after year. Healing from the breakup is painful, but years of finding phone numbers is excrutiating. Don't waste your precious time. And your life is precious - I see a big hole where 12 years went on that man. I didn't waste my time, all things can work toward the good, but I did waste precious emotion. Precious loving feeling -

Just try this. Understand that today, this is where he is. He has not changed, so today this is what he will be forever. Picture this in 20 years. What will your life look like in 20 years with everything EXACTLY like it is now. Because as of today, this is where he will be tomorrow. You can only see it that way, because as of today, he has not changed, and doesn't want to, so this is what it will be tomorrow. Can you do this for 20 years? How long CAN you do it?

You can dream all day long of what you would like to see and it will not materialize without his participation. So dont live in the fantasy world of what you would like. Look at what IS.


Remember, too that there are 2 answers to every question. Yes or No. When you say "I need you to be more intimate" and he bangs you in one minute and leaves you laying there, the answer to your question (will you be more intimate) is NO. Even if he said "yes, I really should be more intimate with you", when he does the same damn thing he does , He is telling you NO as loud as he can, and doing it in that narcissitic way where he doesn't look like an ass, but you look neurotic. They are such jerks. May be a rock star, may be creative and moody or whatever, but he's a jerk. Like I always say, even Hitler had someone. "Oh, Adolf, I just love you - you're such a man, and so talented and handsome, I love you and will be with you always" - "yes, mother, I know that Adolf is killing the jews and wrecking Germany, but I LOOOVVEE him, you just don't understand, mom, you don't know him like I know him". Think about it darling, everyone has someone that "loves" them and sees the "inner person".

Now, my question to you - and there are only two answers, because "maybe" is still a no in that maybe means not right now which is a no - my question to you is: are you ready to accept this man EXACTLY AS HE IS RIGHT NOW, WITHOUT TRYING TO CHANGE HIM ANYMORE? If the answer is no, then the next question is: ARE YOU READY TO LEAVE HIM? If the answer is no, then take a long look at yourself. Get the focus off him and start looking at why you are staying. And screw "love" - that is your illusion, get out of the illusion and ask yourself REALLY why you are with him still.

If this feels harsh, then good, maybe it will move you to action and you will stop being a victim and save yourself some years of grief. It took me years to get out of being a victim and oh the tears in the meantime. Buckets of tears and mountains of pain - god, I never want to be there again. And there are still days that I am in pain from what went before, but it is sooo much better over here. Back when I was where you are I felt people who spoke these truths were harsh, remember I just wanted someone to tell me how to fix HIM so that I wouldn't have to leave - but they weren't harsh. They were the most loving of all words told me. The people who told me really did and do care for me. They honor me and want me to succeed. And this is my hope for you.

Thank you for posting, you were my mirror this morning, and you remind me...

Please let us know how you are. We are all not here by mistake.
 

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