Joe the Joke by AHarleyGyrl ..... Relationship Support Forum
Date: 9/2/2007 6:47:14 AM ( 14 years ago ago)
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mskrissi87, thank you for posting your question. Not only are we all offering our help, but we are gaining insight while writing, as it is theraputic; And, hopefully we will be helping many others who are lucky enough to come across your post in the future.
1. "Joe has a problem with lying and being sneaky about girls." Joe will always have this problem around you.
2. "Joe does not know how to cuddle or be romantic." Joe would cuddle and be romantic if he were with someone he wanted to cuddle and be romantic with.
3. You are being Joe's doormat. Let him find another one...because he will.
4. I am sure you have heard the term one-sided relationship. Are you hoping to be the first to ever make one of these work? You can't love someone who doesn't love you back.
5. "He tells me he loves me and wants to marry me." Sociopaths do just enough to keep you around so they can feed off you. They never do more. If you are unlucky enough to marry him, guess what...it doesn't get any better...it gets worse. He will isolate you from your friends and family. If you cause him too many problems, he will leave you, because he knows that there is a sucker born every minute. Joe may alter certain behaviors. But it always comes with a price, because these guys are all about control. Anger is the first thing you will see when they fear losing some control. You are not to control them. If you were not blinded by what you think is love, you would clearly see him constantly one-upping you and he will continue until you are a mindless zombie. This doesn't gain his respect, as you would assume it would, instead he will view you as weak and undeserving of respect. He also will never be happy and supportive of your accomplishments, so you have to decide if you would like to live the rest of your life that way.
I realize that all these wonderful qualities qualify Joe for the title of Badboy and women, not unlike myself, find that very attractive. It is actually challenging, interesting and fun at first. But, these guys turn the tides and drain your energy as soon as they see you having a good time at what they consider their expense. But, then, little things like "Joe doesn't know how to cuddle and be romantic" suck you in and make you feel important like he needs your help. I have news for you, this is a game they play. It is something no one else knows about and it doesn't bother Joe too much that you are under the illusion he really doesn't know how to do these things. He knows you have to have something to keep your mind occupied other than with all the lies he tells you about everything else. But, most of all it endears you to him, forming an attachment, that along with your physical attraction to him, you deem as love.
Just so you know, I will tell you the truth...Joe knows exactly how to cuddle and be romantic. Also, all the problems you describe Joe having, he doesn't view them as problems, only you do. But, the fact he lets you believe they are problems makes him seem vunerable and you think that is cute and you feel very special and it endears you to him even more. Joe is telling you what you want to hear, but believes something totally the opposite. Sociopaths have their own set of values, different from the rest of society, so you are never going to talk any sense into him by coming from a totally different world than he lives in. Why are they like that? It's just a mental disorder they have and that is exactly why you are on here asking for help...you live in the reality that most of us live in and trying to deal with someone who does not have the ability to recognize those realities. Maybe he was abused, maybe it's a chemical imbalance, a good Psychiatrist could tell you. But, if you waste your energy trying to help this guy, it is you who will need the Psychiatrist eventually. And, he will still not see that he has any problems, not in his own mind, anyway.
The bottom line in any relationship...we teach people how to treat us. You should have no complaints. By accepting his behavior, you are showing him exactly how you would like him to treat you. You can't blame Joe. He doesn't know any better. He learns from you. If you are unhappy, perhaps you should work on becoming a better teacher. In all seriousness, though, you are caught up in something called the abuse syndrome. That is where they treat you better in the beginning when they are trying to get you to be with them. Then, they get moody and controlling and worse. But, you remember that they can be nice, so you are constantly trying to do things that you think will make them happy and act nice like that again. It never ever works. They are similar to a drug, you never get that high like the first one. And, while they may be nice at times, it is always short-lived. You can only break the syndrome by leaving and not looking back. If you stay, you will lose who you are. You've already lost a lot of yourself in the last year. I can tell that just by reading your post. One thing you can do, is put Joe to the test. Leave him and explain why (all the things you listed in your post), then wait and see if he comes back and changes. See if he sends flowers and candy and teddy bears and writes I love you, I was wrong in the sky, etc.... Then, you will know for sure without wasting 20 years or more on him.
6. I spent a total of 7 years in two different relationships with men exactly like the one you describe. They left me with wasted time to show for it, along with severe psychological issues to deal with. They, went on their way, not thinking twice about their behavior or how it affected me, oblivious to the whole thing. This is typical of this personality type.
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9. I want you to read these two blog posts:
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