Date:   8/19/2007 7:43:54 AM ( 18 y ago)
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URL:   https://www.curezone.org/forums/fm.asp?i=945032

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please don't reply to this, thanks
So, it is early in the morning of the end of day 1. at noon today it will be the start of day 2. I am posting to keep my commitment to post 3 times daily during a fast. i feel maybe I just ought to post all day long to keep my commitment. Posting helps me a lot -- the judgmental replies I have been getting to posts -- not!!! I guess I come on strong in my posts but I really think I am definitely no worse and probably even a lot better off than others. I am committed to honesty and telling it like it is instead of hiding and repressing. OK, I want to focus on fasting now. I feel fine. Sortof energetic. Sort of unable to sleep. i feel less sluggish than I did yesterday, cause my (over)eating yesterday (morning, just prior to beginning my fast) was all in living/raw food instead of processed food. But I do really feel tired. Yesterday I allowed myself so much rest time (though I could not sleep more than abouut 8 hours total I lay in bed half-asleep and even having dreams for a total of 11 or 12 hours. Today I feel tired but not in as toxic a way. I have gotten up and attended to my sprouts which I neglected last night. Some of them are doing OK but not others. I really ned proper sprouters. The sprouts I have in sprouters are OK but the ones not are not. I have got to improve this sprouting operation. I have e-mailed my dad asking for help in buying sprouters but I have not heard from him. This could be because I am using someone else's computer and on some of my email recipients' computers the reply-to is set to my roommate's email and not mine. This is distressing. I may have missed a communication about a living situation because of this. Ok, so I re-email there and my dad after this post. I include this info in my posts because it furthers my fasting, which is the key to my life.
I was going to go to a church I was interested in as a way of putting into my life something to look forward to. This would help me keep this adn future fasts, i suppose, or at least help marginally. But now I am really tired. And in spite of this I am too nervous to fall asleep again .. yesterday I felt really great with all the rest. i got up and was able to move more springily and with greater kinesthetic balance. .. So ... do I need to boringly and torturingly lie in bed today just liek yesterday? Yesterday was sort of torture though I was tired enough that the bedrest did me good and was not merely boring. How can I rest without being bored and tortured? THis is the kind of pain that fasting puts me in touch with I guess.
I want to go to church but I am too tired to go and it would be painful. And i want to go out to the b.f. today and break up. I want to do it in person. I am dreading it because he will not beg me to stay or betray any reaction of wanting me at all. I will feel really rejected afterward. Indifference or rejection really really hurt me. It really hurt me last night that he didn't express any desire that I stay, even, and so rudely abruptly asked me to leave. It was so crazy. he doesn't have the normal human level of warmth. I guess this is just too cold for me. After I break up i am going to feel lonely. i can combat this via the personal ads. OK I can place a personal right now for a fasting partner. I am going to answer ads for dating too but this could be upsetting cause i need SO much assurance of another's acceptance or affection. if I placed an ad and said how incredibly picky I was then it might be different. But only lonely people with no engagement in life and -- not the kind of person I want -- answer personals, don't they? Could a personal s ad placer possibly have what I want and need?
I think managing my emotional life or managing my loneliness is a big key to my fasting successfully. Maybe I should just place a personal ad that says all that. Or that just says: I ned to spend the night platonically at your house. man or woman. THis helps me get through a night of fasting detox symptoms without panicking and breaking the fast. I do not know what to do.

OK, the fast. WEll: I have gone through some possible trouble spots. Maybe I will go to church after all and I should go to AA as well. This week it is possible
I think it may e a bad idea for me to stay at home today, though I am tired. If I get up now and go through with my day plan then I will be better able to sleep tonight. Suppose I went to church now. It is just about time to go now. I think if I keep busy it will be better. But it will be a lot of driving. But I will bring water and really any amount of money spent of a fast should be worth it if I have a breakthrough and get sober/detoxed in a lasting way...
I have finished FASting as a Way of Life and it was a pretty great disappointment -- a short, insubstantial book with little to support and encourage and get you excited about fasting. Also a fair amount of ignorance and misinformation. Also not really for a vegan or someone committed to living food only, as I need to be. ... I am resisting the post-fasting eating plans though not jsut because they are not living food but becuase they are such sparing eating plans. One pint of juice all day for the entire first post-fast day. ... I resist this in a way that is unhealthy. I have got to commit to a fast-breakign plan that is at LEAST as sparing as this! I have got to commit to eating VERY LITTLE after the fast.
I have some positivity about actually aiming for a much longer fast than 5 days: a 21-day fast. This would carry me through to the beginning
It is important to me that I am becoming les scared of fasting and more accepting of it and I want actually to get excited about it.
Incentive. If I break up with b.f. and go to church and make new and better connections and make a commitment to seeking out "rich people connections" I mentioned in my last post ( I am attracted to rich people, so I am going to go for it instead of hiding, and leave aside my moralizing about this) -- all this, and I fast for a substantial period of time before starting school, -- I can ALSo be free to possibly get involved with a teacher I have previously had at my school. He is attractive and has hinted at beign interested in me. Though I won't pin my hopes there. ... It is hard to make one's sobriety (fasting) contingent on anything that happens in the world. But I need little aids as incentives. i believe everyone does.
I wish to fast 5 days. I wish to fast all through the day today and succeed in at least fasting until tomorrow morning. I wish to go into this unknown territoty of fasting. I want to strategize about how to achieve this. The things that get me are boredom and loneliness and lack of meditation. I am going to church and doing "Stuff --" various activities -- all day to take care of the boredoma nd loneliness a nd even think I MAY be able to do the mediataion too. Maybe. God it is hard. .. But I need to do serious work to acquire somethign to anticipate too... soemthing to look forward to in life. my rich person project seems to be this thing. I might need to spend substantial time in research for that. I am scard right now cause jsut thinking about it makes me feel depressed. Like it is actually really empty (of course it is) to undertake such a project. Well -- it is time to place my personal and go to church and try to get my meditation regime done today as well. ... Maybe doing art is a better way to develop something to anticipate in life. I am so uninterested in being virtuous. It is so boring. Do I have to be virtuous to fast? God, it is unbearable. Or rather it scares me. I am afraid of how virtuous I may have to be to fast. i am scared I will simply never succeed in fasting because I have to be so virtuous to do it. And I have no support. i don't know hwat the answer is.
I have not addressed the problem of how to break up. the honest answer is: i am using you, b.f., because I do not really like you yet I am hanging out with you. How could I ever say that non-hurtfully. well -- what di I want in the situation? Want to be paid attention. Want a boyfriend I like. I do not know how to get these things.
I do not think I have to be virtuous to fast. But I think I had better find a way to tolerate being virtuous cause it might well make fasting that much easier to achieve and quicker.
Well I may have to go to church but have not remotely written about/addressed the things i need to and i am beign lazy not really applying myself to this post. What am I committed to. I am committed to posting 2 times more today. I am committed to meditation. Maybe these will help more than anything. I have a problem going to church cause then I am stuck in town for hours and how am i supposed to meditate in town. .... I really want to do my whole regime. it takes 5 or 6 hours. Ok - I can commit to that, after church. I am so tired I cannot really consider my day. If I go to church I am done at 12 noon. Then 12 to 6 I can do my regime. THen 6 I break up with b.f. Then 7 I come and post about it and tend to my poor sprouts. ... I can see a movie as a treat. Maybe. ... I felt excited about movies and about writing them and about beign involved in Hollywood somehow, just then. THat is a bright spot of motivation in an otherwise bleak field of being bored with life and being trapped somehow in just beign miserable and maintaining that misery and seekingperiodic "relief" from it via food.

So I guess I have committed my day. I gues I could go to AA tonight too instead of a movie. i guess I could go to AA in the morning too instead of church since 9 am is bible study and ... but I will go to church and to social hour afterward I think. AA could come between bible study and the service maybe -- I think there is a meeting then.
So -- now: personals. church. AA. church. regime. b.f. post. AA. But it all jsut seems miserable. It seems there is adequat time for NOTHING. The bible study has practically started already -- there s no way i will get there on time -- shit. But I had to post! I had to share. ... I do not know what to commit to. Quickly personal-ad (thoughthis makes me feel so sad and depressed. What am I supposed to do?) then bible study arrive late.
So I can drive back out after church and do regime at beach and paint at beach substituting painting for some of the silent sitting meditation time I guess.
Well I give up I cant do this post. I cant solve it or make a committed day plan. everythign is depressing. so forget it. i jsut want to go to bed. i just want to have adequate time for everything -- for posting , for everythings. How am I supposed to keep this fast.


 

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