Date:   7/18/2007 9:28:24 PM ( 17 y ago)
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URL:   https://www.curezone.org/forums/fm.asp?i=921758

I know that this is going to sound really strange but you are very fortunate to have found out when you did. Our daughter went through something similar and we were clueless at the time. We only found out later when she was in college just what was going on.

First of all, it's good that your son came to you and told you what was going with the theft and the pot. That said, I agree with the others about the stealing. Most kids do it at some point. I remember being 7 years old and stealing change from my parents to buy candy. Eventually I was caught and that was the end of that. Once I took change from a family friend's piggy bank at the same age. I never told anyone and felt so guilty that the next time we visited, I took some money that was given to me as a gift and replaced it in the piggy bank. However, most kids as they do get older develop a sense of right and wrong and thus feel guilty when they do wrong. It sounds like your son realizes what he did and feels remorse. I'm with the other posters who say that he should repay his friend and write a note of apology.

Please don't take this next question the wrong way (after I ask, I'll explain why I did)--didn't you ever notice your son coming home and reeking of pot and having the red eyes that were half-closed? You see, we found out well after the fact that our daughter was sneaking cigarettes. The problem was that she had friends whose parents smoked so when she came home smelling of it, we didn't think that she had been smoking. However, I would check discreetly for signs that she had smoked pot and didn't see that.

I want you to know that you're not alone. It sounds like your son has a good, stable two-parent home and you are to be commended for that. However, I do know that teenagers can be good at sneaking around and hiding things. It's a tough balancing act for parents. You want to be vigilant yet you want to trust them, too. In our daughters' case, we found out that she tried smoking when she was 12. She had a friend who was stealing them from her mother. Apparently, when she spent the night at her friend's house, they were smoking right under the mother's nose. I even met the mother and thought after talking with her that she was a good, vigilant parent. When our daughter smoked once in our house--knowing that we didn't allow anyone to do this, she was in real trouble with us. She had candles in her room--we made her throw them out. Her father let her have a lighter for the candles, that was gone, too. I did something I never did before--I did a cursory search through her room and told her that if she ever gave us any reason to think that she was up to no good, we wouldn't hesitate to do that again. In addition, she had to air out the house and spray with Febreze. Eventually, she told us that she wanted us to trust her again and that she wouldn't do this again--ever. We had a big talk about trust. We told her that we were always honest with her when she asked questions and expected the same from her. I'd like to say that everything was fine after that but it wasn't. We later found out that she had been cutting herself (she told a teacher who told a guidance counselor who then told us). When we heard that, we called our health plan and it took a month but we arranged for counseling--25 miles from home. It turned out to be worthless--she went twice and the counselor told us she was fine--just bored!

Despite our experience with counseling, I would strongly suggest that you first discuss this with your son's pediatrician and ask for a counselor referral. You then need to find out if your son is smoking pot on a daily basis, once a week, every so often or just a few times in the last 6 months. If it is every day, this is something that needs to be relayed to the counselor.

I wish we knew the extent of our daughters' problems and sneakiness. If we had, we never would have let her go to college half-way across the country. While there, she got into hard drugs and eventually flunked out. When we found out about all of this we confronted her and she never showed remorse. I found out where she could get help on a sliding fee scale and urged her to go but she didn't. She now has 2 kids and is in a shaky relationship with their father. We love her unconditionally but sad to say, we don't trust her. So, please--start getting your son help now! As I said, you are very fortunate to have found out when you did.

To those who said, spend quality time with your son, I agree. We certainly spent lots of quality time with our daughter and gave her lots of love and support. I grew up being verbally, emotionally and sometimes physically abused so I was very careful to not continue the cycle when it came to our daughter.

To those who said, make sure he is involved in extracurricular activities, I agree. Our daughter was involved in more than one extracurricular activity. We took her on family outings every weekend, even if it was just window-shopping at the Mall. We took her and her friends to museums.

As for his bad grades, another thing you could try if your budget allows, send him to a place like Huntington Learning Center for a specialized tutoring program. They are very good about giving you information about your child's progress. We sent our daughter one summer instead of taking a family vacation.

Again, do get your son some help. If necessary, keep him on a short leash until he has proved that he is once again trustworthy. I know my story is not the best example of this. Our daughter had one face for us and her teachers (who, by the way, praised her behavior--one even gave her an award for her integrity) but underneath all that, there was a dark side.

All you can do is your very best. In the end, your son has to decide how he is going to live his life. Raising a child is a real crapshoot. We've all heard the stories about the kids who have the worst parents around but yet grow up to be real successes. Then there are the kids who have all the love, support and guidance but go horribly wrong. I wish you and your family all the best.
 

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