Date:   6/15/2007 4:41:35 AM ( 17 y ago)
Hits:   6,923
URL:   https://www.curezone.org/forums/fm.asp?i=896965

As I see it when someone is dealing with a behavior they don't like in their partner they have two paths to follow:

1. They have to decide the behavior is of such boundary violating quality that it exceeds whatever benefit they derive from being in that relationship. If not, they stay, if it is, they leave.

2. They have to figure out if any of their _own_ behaviors contribute to that unwanted behavior in their spouse. If none of their behaviors contribute, back to decision 1. If their behaviors _do_ contribute then their choices become more complex. If they do X and their spouse does unwanted behavior Y, they have to decide if _doing_ X is more important to them then their spouse _not doing_ Y. If it is, then, again, back to decision 1. If not, then they should consider avoiding X and seeing what happens.

For example. If(note the IF) you are passive-aggressively expressing your resentment over your husband "manipulating" you into having a second child by deciding on a too-expensive house and deciding to turn your 1-year maternity into a permenant hiatus from work and he responds by passive-aggressively gambling to excess, you might want to consider offering an olive branch by asking him if he thinks any of your behaviors have contributed to making it difficult for him to deal with his gambling problem and if there is anything you can do (or stop doing) to help him resolve his self-destructive urge.

He'll probably be flumoxed by this. Perhaps he'll offer up a few things _he_ finds to be boundary violating about your behavior. Again, you decide if you want to stop these behaviors or not. If you do stop them and he continues to gamble to excess or avoid any form of treatment for his habit, then you know that you've done everything within your power to do and you're back to decision 1.* Obviously his "second side to the story" isn't with you but someone else who hurt him before you came along. Since this situation involves kids, and breaking up a family is a net negative for them, doing whatever is within your power to avoid that is part of being a parent in my opinion. If it means being the bigger person, then... be the bigger person.
 

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