Date:   5/18/2007 3:00:00 PM ( 17 y ago)
Hits:   2,042
URL:   https://www.curezone.org/forums/fm.asp?i=873723

Thanks Soulful. I appreciate your sharing some of your life experiences with me. Glad you are ok now.

Yes, I think I must be in love with the fantasy. He swept me off my feet in the beginning, and at that time, I had no idea he was so financially irresponsible. I know I need to get strong and put my foot down, but every time I try, I seem to fall apart.

I guess it shouldn't matter if he thinks he wants more kids, we can't bring them into this world and properly care for them. I can't believe I spent two years hoping and praying that this would work, but it isn't.

We have also had trust issues. My aunt passed away from lung cancer when I was a little girl - I watched her smoke her last cigarette in the hospital and then die. Needless to say, it had a powerful impact on me and, hence, I don't smoke and would never date anyone who did. I don't judge those who do or mean to offend anyone who makes that choice to smoke. I made this clear to him from the start and just 6 months ago discovered he had been smoking the whole time behind my back. I know, how did I not know? He hid it well and I was never suspicious bc I thought he was a non smoker. So when I bring it up now along with my having trouble trusting him as a result, he gets furious that I would waste our time on that issue when there is so much else at stake (his financial destitute, my health, our having children issue, etc). I see his point but it is all part of the whole for me. He says he can't take character attacks and is trying to fix things by looking for a job.

I read his email a few times and then told him bc I felt guilty. I read it only to find a piece of something that might explain his behavior. He did quit smoking cold turkey as soon as I found out bc he knew I couldn't handle that. Yet, I still wonder if he smokes when I am not around. I guess I feel damaged and brain washed a bit by him.

The children issue should be at the forefront. Maybe talking to his ex would be a good idea. But she is very bitter that he left her and they really do hate each other now. They fight all the time. Not a good scene. They do try to present a united front for their children.

I guess I feel selfish for even asking him for the dream of a future and more children? I want that because of my feelings for him. We have the argument all the time about whether I should be listening to my head or heart. My head knows to leave but my heart prevents me. Maybe I am just crazy for even wanting it with him given what I know and see everyday. I am in love - I feel it in my heart but maybe I am, like I said, brainwashed.

We actually ended things a year ago so he could get his life on track and the pain I felt was unbearable. We of course got back together after only about 48 hours. That feeling haunts me and I think is what is preventing me from doing what I know I need to do. I am weak. I used to be different and think maybe he has made me weak, but there is no excuse. I am also in pain daily being in the relationship so I suppose there will be pain either way and should do the right thing. Thanks for listening.
 

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