I wasnt believed until it turned to rape! by ashlii ..... Child Sexual Abuse Survivors Support
Date: 2/1/2007 5:45:04 PM ( 14 years ago ago)
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I'm 15 and I was sexually abused from the age of 10.
I was abused by my older brother first and then my younger brother soon tried it as well. I was confused as to why my younger brother would try unless my older brother had been discussing what he did to me with him.
When I was 10 my older brother used to come into my room at night and he would look at my 'girly' areas or touch them, I would lie there and cringe, pretending to be asleep.
This happened a couple of times and then I got the courage to write my parents a letter telling them about his late night visits into my room, my parents spoke to my brother about it but nothing was said to me. It stopped for about 3 weeks but then started again; I felt let down and like my life was condemned to this torture.
When I was 13 my parents were out of the house and me and my older brother were alone, I was ill with glandular fever at the time so I spent most of my time in bed, my older brother came into my room, I rolled over and pretended to be asleep...it was then that he raped me for the first time, I fought back but I was too weak to protect myself, after he had finished he told me not to tell anyone or he would hurt me.
He had the power of fear over me; he was so violent and still is that I felt threatened by him. He then regularly came into my room, about 3 or 4 times a week and would touch me...I would cry and beg him not to but nothing I did or said would stop him, I even struck out at him, this just made him more angry and determined to get what he wanted, sometimes he would feel threatened that I would tell and one time he held a knife to my throat and told me he would kill me if I told.
Then when I was 14 my younger brother started touching me just like my older brother had, but with my younger brother I was able to fight him off and make him stop, at least I still had some power.
Not long after my younger brother had started touching me, my older brother raped me for the second time, this time he bribed me with CD's to keep quiet, I never accepted his bribes, and he still had my silence with his violent behavior.
I made friends with my best friends cousin he was 17 I was 14, we made plans about me moving in with him when I was 16 and escaping my life, he was the only one who knew about the abuse...but sadly he was shot before Christmas and tragically he died.
All at once I had lost one of my greatest friends and my escape route ... I felt trapped and alone again.
It was the week before Christmas and the week before my 15th birthday when my older brother raped me for the third and final time, I couldnít live my life in fear of him anymore, I had always had suicidal thoughts but I was always scared of hurting myself or attempting suicide and it failing, then having to live with the consequences and living where I live I had nowhere to run away to, the only thing I could do was tell and hope I was believed.
I told my head of year at school, he immediately took it to the deputy head of school who told social services, I was not allowed home that night, and I felt like I was being punished for being a victim.
I stayed with my grandparents for the weekend and then I eventually went home, itís been hard dealing with everything that happened and I am having counseling, there are some questions I want to ask but I'm scared of not receiving an answer.
I donít hate my brothers for what they did to me and I donít know why I donít hate them....I wish my parents were dead for not stopping it totally in the first place and I wish my brothers dead for taking something from me, not only my virginity but my most precious childhood years.
I want to know why it happened to me.
What did I do that was so bad to make them hate me enough to hurt me like that?
Iím confused about going to the police, my friends think I should but my parents don't want me to and I feel compelled to stick by my family and I suppose potentially protect my brothers, even though my family never stuck by me or protected me, every decision I have made has been the decision my family wanted me to make...
If anyone has any views or thoughts about me going to the police then please help me, I donít know what to do!!
Please give me advice and help!
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