Date:   12/26/2006 6:21:38 PM ( 18 y ago)
Hits:   1,327
URL:   https://www.curezone.org/forums/fm.asp?i=798504

Hello to all, I started starving myself in the beginning without even realizing it around age 15, in high school. Skipping lunch to hang out with friends, skipping dinner to be on the phone and what not. Then finding myself looking in the mirror thinking that I wasn's as skinny or as pretty as some of the girls at school. While I think I was ok, it wasnt good enough. Thats when it begun- to be better, to be the best. I am a pretty goal-oriented, driven person to begin with, which made the struggle worse I think. Sports, grades, and even my weight and looks were a competition. To loose made me feel like I had accomplished something...sounds crazy. Anyway, I REALIZED my problem when shopping for my prom dress with my mom and everything looked AWFUL on me, when it was supposed to be the most beautiful moment, the most gorgeous dress and I had LOST all this weight...only to look like bones in a pretty dress- it was not a pretty girl I saw in the mirror- I started crying, and my mom started crying- I got help.

One thing that over the years I have realized, now after going through treatment, counceling the whole bit- having my parents support, my husbands support- I have realized, for me, that this will NEVER go away. Or maybe I just need more therapy...hmm... My thought is that, although it has been a LONG time, since that moment in the dress shop, since I starved myself (10yrs ago!), the thoughts have been there- not to starve but just the constant fight with myself that my weight is good enough, that food is NOT my enemy. That I CAN EAT healthy and not BLOW up...that the mirror is my friend and I am beautiful inside and out.

I feel for everyone going through this right now, or that has gone through this. It is a struggle, a battle- support is everything, people to talk to is everything. Outside intervention is sometimes needed, and dont be afraid of it.

I am not an expert- these are just my thoughts and what I have been through= sending them out to hopefully help.

Currently, I have two beautiful children- which I whole heartidly believe are my reason for not going back- I will not and could not ever sacrafice my existance of being there mom for such a life threatening disease...I HAVE to control it. I also have a gym membership, and use it as some time to gather my thoughts as I run the treadmill...I TRY to eat as healthy as possible-...I do fast once a month or so (which I did read some people on here were concered that it would lead to problems with disorders) - but I have found that it more helps me refocus on filling my body with natural and good for me foods and on god, and on my purpose for being healthy is my children and family, and yes, for myself.. than making me think that "oh, starving is great, I will do this all the time"- I have NEVER thought about going back even when fasting. I also am safe, and keep my fasts to short ones- usually 5 days. Anyway thought I would put that in since I had heard it mentioned here.

Happy Holidays to all, and I hope everyone greets the New Year with a fight against the disease and struggle.
 

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