Date:   11/27/2006 7:25:30 PM ( 18 y ago)
Hits:   17,321
URL:   https://www.curezone.org/forums/fm.asp?i=781234

I really feel for you. I have experienced some of the same issues you have. I can't claim to be an expert on this subject, but here are some things I've found that are helpful to me:

- All people have issues in bed and his lack of desire when he knows you really want it might be an issue to him. He could feel pressured to perform, or have had a hard time keeping an erection due to exhaustion from work and ONE TIME this happened in the past could make him feel like "less than a man" from then on. So why try if you risk being "humiliated?" I'm sure you would love for him to just cuddle you and stimulate you some other way even if he cannot get or maintain an erection. But, no matter how much you tell your husband that you're not like the chicks on t.v. who diss a man if he can't get a rock-hard erection in two seconds, he might still believe that. The media and his friends are and always will be powerful influences upon his mindset. I suggest cuddling up to him in bed just to snuggle. Hug him and tell him how much you love his whatever (big muscles, hairy chest, smell, whatever). Men need to feel wanted, too.

- Spend some time doing some things physically that are not sexual. Give him a backrub while he watches t.v. When he's eating breakfast or reading the paper or driving in the car, run your fingers through his hair or gently stroke the back of his neck for just a second.

- My husband says that some guys might just be turned off by a large weight gain. For your own health, you should try to get back to a healthy weight. Do it for yourself, and for your child, too. If you're lonely, find a women's gym where you can make friends. Join Weight Watchers for the fellowship and encouragement. We women just don't look at the physical side of things the way men do.

- If you admire your husband as a father, tell him so. Sometimes trying hard to do the "good wife" thing can backfire if you so greatly appreciate his steadfastness as a provider and breadwinner that you always tell him how grateful you are for that. Maybe that's all he feels appreciated for, so he keeps pursuing it. Does he have any issues about money or financial security that would make him doggedly pursue more work hours even if he sees that his enjoyment in life is decreasing?

- Hypothyroidism does have "loss of libido" as a symptom. If he's not taking medication for this condition, that could be a reason for his lack of desire.

- In some way your husband is probably aware of your deep unhappiness over the lack of sex, whether or not you express it to him in so many words. Sometimes just backing off and letting this area go can result in great freedom for you. He will likely sense that and may just start "wanting" you more without knowing what exactly has changed. Pray about it and turn this area over to God, trusting that He wants what is best for you and can bring about changes that you cannot through your own effort. If you doubt that God wants us to have rich, delightful, passionate sex lives, read the book of Song of Solomon in the Bible (it's highly allegorical and contains some symbolic language -- when the woman talks about being with her lover and having her "fingers dripping with myrrh," realize that it's probably not myrrh but something else not quite so proper that couldn't be stated plainly in the Bible).

- Realize that you are not alone. One of the things I appreciate about this forum is that I don't see anyone on here posting salacious and perverted messages, trying to get off from being weird and inappropriate. We all have our issues and for the most part everyone on this forum is genuine and sincere in their advice. I hope it helps. I think it's great that you're reading and responding to each message. You are obviously a sweet and intelligent person. We all have our issues to work on and maybe the advice on this forum will give you some good food for thought. Best wishes.
 

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