Date:   11/19/2006 8:06:35 AM ( 18 y ago)
Hits:   1,372
URL:   https://www.curezone.org/forums/fm.asp?i=776116

Many moons ago, I was a ballet dancer with the promise of being a prima ballerina. Looking at me today though, no one would even guess that.

Life just....happened to me. I gave up dance, got married, and had children. I haven't been my original weight since I was 19, which was 19 years ago.

I never expected to get back to the weight of my youth. But I tried. I have been on every sort of diet over the years. Diets just don't work for me. I'm an emotional eater. Behavioral cognitive therapy didn't do anything but make me feel far more depressed, and increased my eating.

The only year I lost weight, was when a gallbladder attack came on. It was so painful and frightening it forced me to want to go on a low fat diet. Whenever I would try eating something fattening, the pain would come back. I dropped from 280lbs to 230lbs in 3 months. When the weight dropped, I had a natural urgency to walk. So I began walking, and built up to 2 miles a day. I became so healthy. I stopped feeling sick and tired. My body stopped hurting from carrying extra weight. I slept better. My periods normalized. I gained confidence like never before. I loved being able to go shopping again. The pounds continued coming off until I was 200. I liked looking down at my toned legs where I could actually see my ankle bones and my knees.

Once I realized I could eat something fattening and my gallbladder didn't act up, I went back to my old eating habits. Then I became pregnant. I was back up to 230lbs when my child was born.

In three years time, since the birth, I have gone from 230lbs to 330lbs, at 5'6 1/2.

Only in the last year have I begun to feel physically ill nearly every single day.
I'm exausted, my legs, ankles, and feet swell. After a jaunt to the grocery store, my feet will hurt so bad I have to sit down and put them up right away. I don't even like to go shopping anymore at all, even for clothes. I'm wearing my old maternity ones, and even they are tight on me.

Yesterday was so emotionally painful to me. I dragged myself out with my husband to go shopping for my child's birthday gifts. I was at the mall, and as we were walking, some girls behind me who happened to be accompanied by two adults, said...."Oh my God, look at her legs and ankles...." and another laughed and said, "Cankles! Ewwww!". I usually wear long skirts to hide my legs and ankles, but today I had to settled on stretch jean capris. I turned around and they were looking at me, as if they were looking at a hideous monster. I held back my tears, and said nothing to my husband because I didn't want to ruin our trip out.

I walked into a department store that carries plus sizes, and even the plus sizes I used to wear at 230lbs that were loose and baggy on me, were too tight for me now. I wanted something nice to wear for my daughter's birthday dinner.

I finally found something that fit, and as I was in line, I had a lady ask me what was wrong with my feet. Can you believe how nosy complete strangers can be? My feet were all swollen, as were my ankles, from walking all over. She kept standing there just staring at them, as if she was repulsed by it. I told her I was fine.

We went to the food court, where we got a subway sandwich. I can't count how many times I had a few people looking at me or my legs and feet. I felt so embarassed. And it's like this anytime I go out. I get people who stop and look at me. On my birthday, we went to dinner at an olive garden. I took a trip to the bathroom, and while I was in there, two women came in. They didn't know I was in a stall. They said, "Did you see that big swollen woman and her feet?" the other answered, "Yeah, I don't even feel like eating my dinner now it's grossing me out".

Not only am I unhappy with myself and my health, it seems the world is unhappy with me as well.
I don't know how much longer I can keep going down this road. I certainly don't have the money to put down on a diet system. I refuse to get a lap band or gastric bypass.

I recently went to the doctor who wanted a big blood work up done on me. Thyroid, hormone, cbc, FHT, Cholesterol, diabetes. When the tests were done, the office phoned me to come in to talk to the doctor. I was terrified, thinking they found something wrong.

Nothing was wrong. Even my blood pressure was completely normal as usual. The only thing the doctor told me was, that he expected something to come back abnormal, and was surprised, but said if I didn't lose weight, I would eventually develop something soon. And he is correct, I will.

With diabetes, heart problems, and high blood pressure in my immediate family, I know I can become really ill, even more so than I feel now.

I have spent so much money going to therapy, I can't afford to go.

I see my 3 year old child and I feel ashamed. I feel as though i am slipping away day by day.

If only I could feel good again....
 

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