Anna, I was going to say something about forgiving yourself, and that being very much interwoven with that wonderful healing and expansive *experience* of gratefulness-- but I erased it, since it seemed it might strike you as presumptuous.
My sister had a breast tumour, and I know that it was related to some karmic guilt involving my ( or rather, our) mother and I. I have seen her heart really shift, these past two or three years...she was lucky enough to be blessed a few times by His Holiness the Dalai Lama and that made a big change. As well, lots and lots of prayers...
At one time she said angrily that God had abandoned her, and I told her no--you have abandoned God. She didn't much want to hear that at the time, but I think that abandonment (and self-imposed exile) is a form of meting out punishment (wanting to redress the past). It works so badly though!
If it wasn't sad, it would be ( and one day it will) be funny.So much better to work at the level of heart and light. And let God in. ( not to be confused with the church, etc.)
Forgiveness is a big one, I know. I too have worked hard at it --while the hard work ( it begins to look to me) seems ultimately to come, from whichever direction, to a place where you see it's ( forgiveness is) more a function of Grace--
and it simply *is*, ( Forgiveness IS) but you have to 'get there' to be 'here'. Hope you don't feel you have to work too hard.
+ I hope that makes sense to you...
all the best
A.