Date:   10/11/2006 4:10:02 PM ( 18 y ago)
Hits:   1,826
URL:   https://www.curezone.org/forums/fm.asp?i=752360

I have no one in my life that I completely trust. And by trust I mean that when they say they will do something that they follow through. I also mean by trust that they respect me enough to be reciprocal in the relationship. There are other reasons I don't trust, but I'd like to stick with these for now.

I once heard "we teach people how to treat us". I have usually been the all forgiving, "that's okayyyy" type of person no matter what people said or did to me. That invited abuse and abandonment because, it seems, people will just do whatever they want no matter how much they say they love you or even like you. And DEFINITELy do it when you dont speak up.

I am now finding out people will do whatever they want ANYWAY. My current example, (and is a pattern), is for someone that is a friend of mine to not reciprocate communication. One friend just got "busy" with her life. I would call or email her, or offer to meet her while she was in town and she just didnt respond. I told her I was noticing this separation. When I called her on her behavior I always got "no Deb, I love you--you're still in my life." As if these long periods of silence (because when I stopped calling HER, we didnt talk for MONTHS) were just "in my head."

So another friend and I recently just went through this. With one difference, I am no longer willing to be the anchor in any relationship. I am not willing to always be the one that calls another, that makes the plans, that basically "chases". I dont think that is healthy. Besides I dont believe a caring loving relationship has weeks or months of silence and then cant be talked about without the "Well, DEB, I was busy, get over it." I mean, I dont treat people that way!! Jeez.

But this pattern is so pervasive, I am wondering if almost everyone just doesnt make time to have true friendship in their lives? And does true friendship mean we get to bring up stuff to the other when a behavior isnt working for us?

When my last friend called after I had stopped calling HER, she asked me where I had been. Before that it was always me calling her or we didnt talk at all. So I stopped and weeks went by. I simply said I like a reciprocal communication and told her I stopped calling her to see if "the ball would come back". I spoke my truth about it, I wasnt mean, and even tried to use humor. I havent heard a word since. That makes me not trust (again) and wonder if I am being unreasonable in my approach. I was raised that one should always "make nice" if they want to keep a friend. That meant not to speak up when a friend (or lover) is doing something that doesnt work for me. Well then how will they know? And just "deal with it", doesnt work for me.

This may seem small, but I want to learn about how to have relationships that feel good to me and to the other. Feedback is welcome.
 

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