Date:   9/18/2006 4:50:41 PM ( 18 y ago)
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URL:   https://www.curezone.org/forums/fm.asp?i=738438

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I used to wonder the same things. In fact I used to contemplate suicide quite often because I had such a miserable childhood/life. I too had no friends and if I was lucky enough to make a friend in school they'd get snatched away (move out of town, become friends with others, etc.). It was like some unwritten law that if ever I was to get close to someone they'd leave me - friends would move, my grandmother died when I got close to her, my father leaving me - I mean just total alienation all across the boards. My home life was a mess. I have a brother but felt like an only child. My parents were a mess. When they got divorced & my father wanted to punish us & hurt my mother he'd come & take us on one of his "required" visits. I remember he'd threaten to come & take us for 2 weeks and that he didn't want to do that but he would - nice father, right? Prior to his arrivals I'd get grilled on what all to say, what NOT to say, what to say if he says this, but make sure you don't say that, etc.etc.etc. When I got home I would get grilled again on what happened, what he said/asked me, what I said, etc. & if I said the wrong thing the disappointment on my mother's face and/or the yelling that I got afterwards was more upsetting than I could put into words. This went on for years, btw. the ages of 6-17 I guess.

Anyway, back to the not having any friends thing. Had no real friends to begin with & to make matters I was starting to have some hygiene issues & my hair was always messy (unbeknownst to me because I was a kid). I didn't realize it, but everyone else did and of course they didn't hesistate to tell me and make me feel horrible whenever the opportunity presented itself. My mother wouldn't wash my hair as often as it needed (I guess she was too preoccupied or depressed to deal with it because it took hours to do) so I got a really bad scalp condition which to my delight caught the attention of the popular kids in school, not really caring that they were talking about how nasty my head was, but just the fact that they noticed me (how pathetic was that?) In short I was totally dirty & had no self esteem. What did I have to have any self esteem about anyway. Life stank, I hated my parents for getting divorced & wrecking our lives, I also hated them (mainly my mother) for trying to brainwash me & grill me for my "visits" with my father & then punishing me when I told him something I wasn't supposed to, I hated him for how he treated her & us (he had an affair right around the corner from our house with the aunt of my friend next door), I had no brother and I felt totally alone.

I remember coming to a decision after watching my mother cry about my father one time. I swore that I'd never let any man treat me that way - ever! So I grew up to become even more disfunctional by keeping any potential boyfriend at arms length. If he would try to get too serious I would do something to make him want to break up with me. I didn't want to ever be vulnerable or let anyone get so close to me that they could hurt me. But the funny thing about putting up walls is that they don't work - you still get hurt.

Anyway, trying to make a long story short, I was totally depressed & having one of my many contemplations about suicide because I really did not see a purpose in living and felt that no one would care if I wasn't around anyway, I'd be less of a burden, I'd be out of my misery, etc.etc. Then I had a defining moment that changed my life. I was @ 13 & I had a dream. In the dream I was told to read Jeremiah (in the Bible). We had a Bible in the house but I wasn't sure if that was even a book in there but I woke up, found it & started reading. At first it was nothing but then I got to verse 4 which says "Then the word of the LORD came to me, saying. Before I formed you in the belly I knew you; and before you came forth out of the womb I sanctified you, and I ordained you a prophet to the nations." So I'm thinking at this point - What in the world is this?? You knew me before I was born...but what are you talking about, I'm just a kid...and then I read the next verse - "Then said I, Ah, Lord God! behold I cannot speak for I am a child" and at this point I'm freaking out because I was just thinking that so I kept reading. "But the LORD said to me, Say not, I am a child: for you shall go to all that I shall send you, and whatsoever I comman you you shall speak. Do not be afraid of their faces for I am with you to deliver you, says the LORD. Then the LORD put forth his hand and touched my mouth. And the LORD said to me, Behold, I have put my words in your mouth. See I have this day set you over the nations and over the kingdoms, to root out, and to pull down, to build and to plant." At that point I shut the book because I was scared to death! But I thought about that the rest of the day. It breathed some life into me and although I didn't change over night it gave me a secret hope that I maybe I wasn't a loser or a failure and maybe I could be somebody...

Anyway, life went on, I got older, even discovered one day that I was pretty. I eventually became very conceited with a vicious mean streak if provoked & basically kept my word of keeping people at arms length (side lesson - don't be too quick to judge people. You never know why they are the way they are...) and on the whole I was very lonely. I've made TONS of mistakes since my "defining moment" (drugs, abortions, thoughts of prostitution, etc.) but even with all of that I never forgot that dream. One day a friend of mine took me to church. I learned about Jesus, asked Him into my heart & to change my life, found a church that I liked and joined. From that point on my life was a roller coaster and God began to deal with me. Everything that I spent my whole life trying to run away from & bury deep down inside He made me go into my secret places & dig it all up & deal with it. He made me deal with my father which as an adult I did NOT want to do. I cried & begged but He just quietly reassured me that He'd be with me. So I called him & it was UGLY! He was yelling at me & was VERY mean to me on the phone & I felt like a vulnerable child all over again. I was able to get some things out and the closing of the conversation was actually civil. I'll never forget the moment that I hung up the phone because it felt like someone had just pulled the plug in my heart and all of the pent up feelings & pains that I had which stemmed from him were just drained out - like you pull the plug in a bathtub only the draining was a lot faster. God has literally put my life back together, healed (& is still healing) all of the broken areas of my life...and not only that...that dream that I had, I can see it now and it has & continues to come to pass. I have become that person that God said I was all those years ago and I'm still growing & maturing in it. I can see now looking back that everything that I went through was for a purpose - to help someone else along the way & to give them encouragement so they'd know that they're not alone. That I do understand because I overcame my past & so can you. I even see it as a lesson when raising my own children...it's helped to shape what kind of parent I am & it keeps me striving to be a better one than the ones that I had, to have healthy relationships with my kids and my husband (their father) not only because it's right but for their sakes. So that they can see what a marriage is supposed to look like & what it could be. I not only overcame it but I rose SO high above it...higher than I ever imagined. I still remember all of the pain, but whenever I hear my maiden name it's like I'm hearing about somebody else because that person is dead. I am a brand new person and the scars of my past have only made me stronger. I can see now how going through all the pain that I did shaped me into who I am now. I can't tell you how many people that have been helped/encouraged along the way just because of my own personal experiences. And what's even better is that even though I went through all of what I did, I'm not darkened by it anymore. If you knew me now you'd NEVER in a million years know all that I went through!

You know what else...I STILL don't have a ton of friends - hahaha. I can count my real friends on 1 hand & still have fingers left. But I've learned that you don't need a whole bunch of friends and the people who are able to walk out of your life, you don't need them anyway because they weren't the real thing to begin with. And the ones that I do have are priceless & make up for all the rest that I never had & still don't have - they're everything that I'd ever want or need in a friendship and that's fine with me. I still get lonely sometimes, but I know that God made me this way for a reason. I'm a friendly person and people generally like me but I've never had a group of friends & never fit into any "clicks". I'm learning to be at peace with that as well. I'm only beginning to understand the reason why things are the way they are. The big picture only gets unfolded to me a little bit at a time but it all goes back to that dream that I had that night so slowly but surely it's all coming together.

The point to my "novel" is this. You never know why you're going through what you go through and how it all fits into the grand scheme of things. But don't EVER think that your life is not worth living because it's not all you wish it could be right now. Your life has a purpose even if you can't see it yet. Don't wait around for confirmation from people about whether or not you matter - that's not for them to determine. You are in charge of your life & I like what one of the other posters basically said about how you are in charge of your destiny. I never would've known that there was a reason why I was going through all I went through had I not decided to live a little while longer. And let me tell you, life is SOOO much better & sweeter now. Your whole life is not in this moment. This is just a season that you're going through. You have SO many potentially wonderful years ahead of you & your life can make such a drastic turnaround in a moment! You can do whatever you set your mind to doing & you can become whatever you want in life. Your past does not have to determine your future (or your present for that matter) and society cannot dictate what all you become, only you can do that. In fact what a great slap in the face it would be if inspite of everything you've gone through you still turned out to be a great success in life.

But again, everything that you've gone through IS for a reason, even if you can't see it right now so don't give up...life IS worth living. You never know, someone may need to hear your story one day. :-)

God Bless.
 

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