Date:   2/16/2005 12:45:49 AM ( 19 y ago)
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URL:   https://www.curezone.org/forums/fm.asp?i=721779

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If you felt like it, it may benefit you to read page 1 of this forum. I have had many losses in my life and believe me your feelings are normal and you are not alone.
I recall thinking my first child was murdered because I had an abortion. But then I had friends that had many abortions and their children were alive. I don't need advice this was all 20 years ago. I m/c in June and of course, all this old stuff comes back. Every new death in our lives brings up old ones. Ask any hospice nurse.
Life is a journey and as we go along we learn deeper things about the stuff we thought we had resolved. I have found many ironies in my life that I see as blessings today. I don't take too many things very serious that the big guy does. I watched my dog get hit by a car one memmorial day as a put flowers on my son and brothers graves. I thought God my dog is going to get hit and there is nothing I can do. I wanted him to meet Tony and I guess everybody there wants him. WAs it awful? Yes devastating there will never be another Itchy, he was one in a million DOG. But he's not alone and I'm glad he's with my dad and my son. The guy at the cemetary put him in my trunk and said, "Lady I don't know what to say to you". I said, "isn't this ironic, there's nothing to say. God is laughing hysterically and we have to accept it." I may have blown his mind but it was true.
My point is we learn and grow and we get to a place where we say okay God I"m hanging on for this roller coaster ride and I know we'll get through this". Losing a dog is nothing compared to a child and things move into perspective very quickly in that situation.
I knew in order to move on with a baby after the m/c I had some work to do. I had to write the parole board and the man that beat my son to death in 1986. The parole board: I asked them to take me off the Victims list I was no longer the victim of this man. He has become the victim of his own crime. To him: I had to write the words I forgive you. If you saw him you would know why. He is a souless man, he's broken, no spark and the only way to help his children, was to help him.
After trying for months to get pregnant again, we got pregnant after I cleared all that old stuff. This baby is due on July 18, 2005 My son Tony died July 18, 1986. This is full circle.
Journaling got me through the early days of grief. In grief and after any and all thoughts and emotions are normal so long as we're not swallowed up in prolonged grief. A support group is wonderful. See if there is a support group. I did a great deal of work with parents of murdered children, even spoke to them about my abortion and they understood how and why I would think those crazy thoughts and they loved me any way.
We're here and vent any time. It may take some of us a while to respond but we will.
Sorry this is so long now you know why I referred you to page one. I hope this helps a little, e-mail me if you want and be honest about your feelings and I won't judge or be critical, I'll just listen.
Love and Peace be with you. C
 

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