Date:   12/3/2004 2:53:22 PM ( 20 y ago)
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URL:   https://www.curezone.org/forums/fm.asp?i=721682

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There was a time that I was not living a good life, or living a morally right life. Now it seems like eons ago, and a totally different person. Put it this way I was young, naïve and living for all the wrong reasons. In the fall season, almost 10 years ago I was pregnant. The father was hardly a boyfriend and definitely not father material. After all he told me he couldn’t father any children, as he was sterile. (HA! yeah right) So I was single, pregnant, young, had a menial job as a fresh college graduate and of course making very wrong life decisions. I was scared to say the least. But at the same time I was excited, I thought I could do this – I thought I could mother a baby. I probably could have. I don’t say that out of regret, or guilt – but simple fact.

So, I took this news to my family. Of course I was polite and waited till after Christmas, as I didn’t want to ruin anyone’s festivities. They were appalled to say the least. I wanted support and they were appalled and ashamed. My mom pretty much refused to talk about it at all…she was distressed and scared about what the future held for me. She also knew all about raising children as a single parent as she raised me for quite sometime by herself. Of course I felt disappointment – I wanted someone to share a little bit of joy with me. At this time abortion was not an option for me. I wasn’t pro-life or pro-choice; I just figured I was “old enough” to make it work. So I went on…

In the few weeks following my mom counseled me into deciding to have an abortion.

I didn’t go to a clinic. She took me to see an OB/GYN who barely spoke to me; he did his tests and booked me in for a D & C. The only personal thing the Dr. said to me was that it was the right thing for a female in my position to do. He never once told me about any present or future risks that may be involved. He certainly didn’t tell me that I might feel deep sadness or regret afterwards. I was booked to have the D & C the following week.

On the day of the abortion, my mom dutifully took me to the hospital. Just before the abortion, I was being prepped the D & C. I suddenly got frighten and wanted to back out – I didn’t want to go through with it. My mom, the Dr. and the nurses of course counseled me to have the abortion, as it was getting late and riskier. So again, I relented. Next thing I knew I was falling asleep…and then waking up in recovery where I woke up very bloody and feeling like my body took a beating but also feeling numb and surrealistic. I felt immediate relief, which soon turned to emptiness and sadness for the life that could have been.

The days and months following that ordeal were quite emotional for me from sadness, guilt, shame, anger you name it I felt it. I started seeking, and wondering about life. I started seeking God instead of booze & drugs. God wasn’t that hard to find, and He can pull anyone out of the deepest pits of despair by gently guiding them into His perfect will for their life. God healed a lot of areas in my life, He didn’t make me perfect but He did give me peace.

Some interesting things also happened in the following months. In the month that “baby” would have been born I met the man that would soon be my husband. We lived together and I got pregnant (again! Interestingly the same time I was pregnant previously) I was scared (of course) but my man was extremely honorable and married me soon after we found out I was pregnant. My son was born close to the same time the first “baby” would have been born. I find the timing of all this incredibly interesting. But for the simple fact that I wasn’t looking for a husband or another baby. I didn’t want anything to do with either one! The last thing I wanted was a man or a baby in my life. I had actually decided I was going to live my life as a spinster! When I noticed the timing of all of this, I knew it was God.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that every lady that has an abortion should find God or is going to find God. But in my situation it made me search out and find God.

The biggest "emotional" effects of the abortion that I struggle with today are the anniversary dates. I definately get lost easily in thought about the experience and what might have been and sometimes overly sensitive. But I have overcome many of the emotional effects that were on the list I posted through the help of my faith.

Since I have had that abortion, I have studied facts, statistics, and pre and post abortion emotions and counseling. There are so many women that are struggling with physical and emotional feelings silently. I want all women to know what they feel is okay and there is support and hope. I am more than happy to help in anyway I can.

Warm Regards,
Ev

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There was a time that I was not living a good life, or living a morally right life. Now it seems like eons ago, and a totally different person. Put it this way I was young, naïve and living for all the wrong reasons. In the fall season, almost 10 years ago I was pregnant. The father was hardly a boyfriend and definitely not father material. After all he told me he couldn’t father any children, as he was sterile. (HA! yeah right) So I was single, pregnant, young, had a menial job as a fresh college graduate and of course making very wrong life decisions. I was scared to say the least. But at the same time I was excited, I thought I could do this – I thought I could mother a baby. I probably could have. I don’t say that out of regret, or guilt – but simple fact.

So, I took this news to my family. Of course I was polite and waited till after Christmas, as I didn’t want to ruin anyone’s festivities. They were appalled to say the least. I wanted support and they were appalled and ashamed. My mom pretty much refused to talk about it at all…she was distressed and scared about what the future held for me. She also knew all about raising children as a single parent as she raised me for quite sometime by herself. Of course I felt disappointment – I wanted someone to share a little bit of joy with me. At this time abortion was not an option for me. I wasn’t pro-life or pro-choice; I just figured I was “old enough” to make it work. So I went on…

In the few weeks following my mom counseled me into deciding to have an abortion.

I didn’t go to a clinic. She took me to see an OB/GYN who barely spoke to me; he did his tests and booked me in for a D & C. The only personal thing the Dr. said to me was that it was the right thing for a female in my position to do. He never once told me about any present or future risks that may be involved. He certainly didn’t tell me that I might feel deep sadness or regret afterwards. I was booked to have the D & C the following week.

On the day of the abortion, my mom dutifully took me to the hospital. Just before the abortion, I was being prepped the D & C. I suddenly got frighten and wanted to back out – I didn’t want to go through with it. My mom, the Dr. and the nurses of course counseled me to have the abortion, as it was getting late and riskier. So again, I relented. Next thing I knew I was falling asleep…and then waking up in recovery where I woke up very bloody and feeling like my body took a beating but also feeling numb and surrealistic. I felt immediate relief, which soon turned to emptiness and sadness for the life that could have been.

The days and months following that ordeal were quite emotional for me from sadness, guilt, shame, anger you name it I felt it. I started seeking, and wondering about life. I started seeking God instead of booze & drugs. God wasn’t that hard to find, and He can pull anyone out of the deepest pits of despair by gently guiding them into His perfect will for their life. God healed a lot of areas in my life, He didn’t make me perfect but He did give me peace.

Some interesting things also happened in the following months. In the month that “baby” would have been born I met the man that would soon be my husband. We lived together and I got pregnant (again! Interestingly the same time I was pregnant previously) I was scared (of course) but my man was extremely honorable and married me soon after we found out I was pregnant. My son was born close to the same time the first “baby” would have been born. I find the timing of all this incredibly interesting. But for the simple fact that I wasn’t looking for a husband or another baby. I didn’t want anything to do with either one! The last thing I wanted was a man or a baby in my life. I had actually decided I was going to live my life as a spinster! When I noticed the timing of all of this, I knew it was God.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that every lady that has an abortion should find God or is going to find God. But in my situation it made me search out and find God.

Since I have had that abortion, I have studied facts, statistics, and pre and post abortion emotions and counseling. There are so many women that are struggling with physical and emotional feelings silently. I want all women to know what they feel is okay and there is support and hope. I am more than happy to help in anyway I can.

Warm Regards,
Ev

 

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