Date:   12/2/2004 11:02:51 PM ( 20 y ago)
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URL:   https://www.curezone.org/forums/fm.asp?i=711810

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You have a very stong reason to be here. Believe it or not, my 8 years old Daughter IS the reason that keeps me alive. Today I even heard it from the detective's mouth(the detective that takes care of the problem I mentioned in my other message). The way I had my Daughter was not the most Orthodox way...I was very lonely after coming here, to America and I made the mistake to 'sleep' with my ex, who was just a good friend. That's how we ended up being married, we both love her, but we can't be together, because it's just like gasoline and fire...a disaster. Before I used to think that it was unfair to use my Daughter as a reason to be alive, but today I had a change of heart about that. It is the truth, so let it be. Maybe along the way I will find other reasons. But for now, it is the most noble reason to exist and try to be the best woman I can be.

About the longing, I noticed something when I met a guy that I really loved passionatelly and afterwards we became friends only, it seemed that being in his presence, my longing made sense...maybe the longing is a past unfulfilled love we had, (I even have one unfulfilled love in THIS life). I remained friends with the first guy, I even told him about that feeling and the fact that it seemed to be connected with him, I don't know if he totally understood, but he was very spiritual about it. The second guy in this paragraph is a different story, I love him so much that I thought about him day and night ever since I met him(before I even knew my husband to be), but we can't connect at all. But the love I have for him is so strong and pure that it helped thru really difficult times( I am very grateful that I can love so strong because he exists). I even joked with him that in the next life, HE will run to find me. I don't think that he understood what I meant. If I leave this world without knowing that he loves me(which I can feel but I can't see), I will carry the burden of sadness again in my next life and I really believe that if I can't have his love in this lifetime, this will be a reason for me to come back.(I believe that some souls are so 'purified' and perfect that they don't even incarnate again in human beings). Unfortunatelly, none of those two guys are my ex-husband.
The more I think about the longing, the more I realize that it got less and less burdensome when I met the guy I mentioned first, that seemed to be connected with it. Maybe it was his soul that in my past life I couln't know and now, because I know that he sincerely loves me as a very special friend, so now it feels like the longing is almost gone. I had a moment when we were peacefully sitting next to each other in bed and just gazing into each other's eyes and I felt like I was being healed. We had intimacy, too,in our relationship, but that was not what healed me, it was that gaze into each other's eyes, that seemed to trespass the notion of time...I told him right-a-way what was happening for me and I think that he felt the same. After that happened, we realized that we loved each other, but not in a phisical way, but just as two souls. It is great to grow up, you can learn love on a totally diferent level, a man and a woman can love each other way beyond sex(I was never crazy about sex anyway...sorry for being so weird).
So maybe you can be so lucky to meet someone that will give you that look into the past thru his/her eyes, I think that I was so lucky. It was that kind of relationship that drove me nuts in the beginning, because I knew it wasn't about sex, but much more and I couldn't make sense about it until the 'gaze'. To you, it might not be a sexual relantionship with another human being that will lead to healing, but it might be ANYBODY, a stranger in the supermarket or a relative or...possibilities are endless. But I know that YOU WILL HAVE THE HEALING FOR YOUR UNEXPLAINED LONGING. You actually made me realize that I am so lucky, ever since I met Jeff(that's his name) I am feeling better. He is not my partner in life, I am not desiring him with my body, but the love I have for him and his soul(that is not perfect, but just very special), so this love healed my unexplainable pain. It helped that he could go beyond of being just a mucho man and he opened up his soul to me and he told me that he loved me.
I hope that I made sense, I said before in my messages, I am Romanian, so English is my second language and maybe the way I write is confusing.
You will have a healing, it doesn't have to be like mine, but I think that your longing is for a soul that you loved, but could not have. You will love and be loved this time around...you will see!
Love, Elena.
 

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