Date:   4/3/2006 1:16:16 PM ( 18 y ago)
Hits:   1,576
URL:   https://www.curezone.org/forums/fm.asp?i=670032

1 readers agree with this message.  Hide votes     What is this?

Wow, I've never been on this forum, but I think I might have something to offer you.

I'm 50 years old. My first marriage was very volatile, just like the one you describe. I hate to say this, but being 50 has it's good points, hindsight.

You two are mired in a world of drama. I'm afraid that you have set up your relationship, and that is the relationship that will play out until the end. Unfortunately, it only gets worse after you marry. It's like any relationship with baggage, the baggage will always be there. I'm sure some married couples might be able to turn things around with counseling, but it's so darn rare. Usually, there has to be a huge epiphany by both in order for it to work.

The threats of suicide are especially disturbing to me. I don't know this young man, but I'm assuming that is the only thing he can think of to capture you attention, the ultimate threat. Not just leaving you, but leaving you with terrible guilt over his demise. This is not intended to make you think he will do harm to himself, it would be the ultimate punishment to harm you. This is incredibly immature behavior.

In you every day life, how quickly do you dissolve into these altercations? Do you feel a level of anxiety being with him, even an anxiety you see as a turn on? Is there respect for each other still? That is definitely key.

My ex-husband used to hit things, until one day he started to hit me. I'm not saying your finance will do that, but it's not a big transition for men that cannot control their lashing out. I wonder how many anger issues you have when you are not with him? When you were gone in Europe, did you have a lot of outbursts?

I was young once too, and I got stuck in the same kind of relationship. I have no idea what the man had that kept me with him for 10 years (18 - 28), but I think that part of it was the draw to that kind of excitement, and then later, a good case of beaten wife syndrome. I loved a good drama, I relished in it, until it just seemed so sordid. Then later, as you age, that's the last thing you want, because life gets too hard to have that to come home to. You need a safe harbor, and a man that will provide that calm sea for you. And he also needs the same. Can you honestly provide that for each other?

Hon, I don't know how to say this, but I'm sure this relationship, even if you get married, will be a co-dependent roller coaster of drama. Take it from one who has definitely been there. Drama is very very bad for any relationship. You have to stop that immediately in order for this to even work at all.

I hope I haven't overstepped my boundaries here, not knowing you and all. I had the best intentions when I read your post. Take good care of yourself.
 

<< Return to the standard message view

fetched in 0.02 sec, referred by http://www.curezone.org/forums/fmp.asp?i=670032