Date:   1/30/2006 11:50:57 PM ( 19 y ago)
Hits:   2,046
URL:   https://www.curezone.org/forums/fm.asp?i=669912

Hi Alikat, Yeah, I think after struggling very difficultly to get through the month of January I think I'm kind of beginning to accept the way it's looking. It kind of helps me t feel just a glimmer of hope although deep down inside I think I really know it's hopeless but it just makes me so sad to think of it as totally and utterly hopeless. No there were problems from the very beginning but I working on myself to make myself look better by losing weight was seemingly pleasing him. He wasn't at first all that attracted to me like I first thought but he grew to be more attracted to me. His mental illness of conpulsive obsessive disorder and being severely abused as a child which I think affected his brain (especially as far as money goes) was his biggest fatal flaw and the biggest hurdle we just couldn't seem to get past. We had some problems in Oct and again in Nov but Thanksgiving was wonderful and bet the holidays was pretty wonderful and I took him home to meet my family for Christmas. There was just no rhym or reason for him to come home with me if he wasn't serious like he said he was. He was saying he loved me, we were making plans for the future and plans to be married. And so pardon me friend if I'm being a little disappointed. And I said nothing at all about doing anything vindictive and so I don't know where you are getting that concept at. I'm not a vindictive person. I said I long control one night and screamed at him but I just lost control the one time and that was that. I've tried my best to make up for it. I am a very good, kind, considerate and loving person. I only lecture him and got angry with him for his saying cruel words that hurt towards me. I mean everything was wonderful and romantic at Christmas for us. I thought we were 2 people in love. And then I being a kind and thoughtful person told him upon us returning home after Christmas for him to call his homeland in the Ukraine to talk to his mom. But after he spoke to his mom, the next day he talked non sense about us breaking up after that wonderful romantic Christmas. Now he has all but his dissertation done to get his phd and I'd been assisting him and doing a good job with getting him to write his dissertation. But he's not good at getting any of it done all on his own. And he's not good at taking care of himself on his own either. Like when I saw him in Jan, I noticed when he took his coat off (we were in his lab) and I noticed how thin he was getting and I asked him if he'd been eating and he said "no". Recently I even brought him food I was so concerned about him. But then he acts uncomfortable around me and so I've decided to back off and distance myself since he seems afraid of me. I mean I would not hurt a fly. It's all cause I acted a little crazy one night and I lost control one night because I was upset over him saying cruel and mean words to me. But he won't forgive me. I've tried to make it up to him. I've learned my lesson. I'm willing to go to couples counseling with him to save our love relationship. You can't find this kind of "magical" love right around the corner. But if he doesn't really want me, I know I must accept it and move on. I must just leave him alone. I fear I'll never find another man I will love as much. I very seldom ever meet up with a man I find attractive. I'm very peticular. I fear I shall be alone for a very long time. I will miss the best love relationship I've ever had and the love of my life - my sexy, adorable little Ukrainian guy for a very long, long time.
 

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