Date:   8/16/2005 10:59:06 PM ( 19 y ago)
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URL:   https://www.curezone.org/forums/fm.asp?i=669112

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Wow, hadn't come into this forum in a bit, and it was good to see your post. Wondered what happened to you.

No one knows more than you do what to do in a situation - you have to live with the consequences one way or the other. So, I wouldn't presume to tell you what to do!

I have known of a book called "Tough Love" or something like that...many years ago. The premise of the book was that when one spouse is misbehaving, the other one will try everything to subordinate themselves to win them back. This author (and I think psychologist) says that almost never works. As a matter of fact, the other spouse tends to have more disdain for the subordinate, broken spouse. So, it doesn't wake them up or arouse them from their stupor.

This author said that the only thing that even has a chance to work is for the offended spouse to draw firm boundaries and have self-respect, and be willing to take the consequences and follow thru.

People always want what they can't have, or at least what is out of reach. It is (unfortunately) human behavior. They think less of us if we make ourselves too available for them. And, often, they perk up when they realize that they WANT YOU, that someone else wants you, someone else will have you, and PERHAPS that they will not be able to have you. Usually only then will they begin to regain touch with that part of them inside that desires you.

But if you are keeping the sex free-flowing and he gets to have everything served up w/o any effort, he will likely take you for granted and have disdain for what you have to offer. I cannot say this is 100% true or true in your situation, but I believe that you could profit from thinking about this.

The other thing, from personal experience, is that I really don't think that I would live with a guy again without being married. Generally speaking, men don't float into deeper commitment just because they are bonding with you more and more each day. That's a female thing. Men commit themselves to obtain a prize and secure it.

A man that I have loved for years since my youth, recently told me......."if you were living here in Italy, I would probably be staying with you." OH WOW....what a compliment! (tic) That is not the type of relationship and commitment that I would want---where the guy just slides into my home and bed and THEN WHAT??

I think that we can be too casual with our relationships and we want closeness and intimacy in the beginning and we move too quickly. Too quickly into sex, too quickly into closer commitments of various kinds such as living together. We think that we are moving toward a goal (for us, marriage), but men have a totally different view of the arrangement and male/female relationship.

I recently posted and spoke of a phrase that a girlfriend told me a few years ago. She said that it is common to her birthplace in Newfoundland. Perhaps it was when we were all posting on your issue. Anyway, my friend said, "Begin as you wish to continue." I think that is profound.

We females generally want the security of commitment before we really feel affirmed and able to freely give our love (and bodies). We are validated that way. Men are validated sexually (and thru other conquests). They can have all the great sex they want and feel wonderful. But that doesn't necessarily motivate them to want to marry. You may never get him to see the need to move to the next level unless he sees the need to keep you as his own.

How will he discover this?

He won't discover this thru bargaining, begging, lying down as a carpet for him to wipe his feet on, etc.

I'm not saying to make him jealous thinking that you are going to retaliate by finding someone new, etc.

Just think everything thru, and have a quiet and firm and peaceful resolve to do and follow thru with whatever is best for you. Be kind and peaceful and firm. When you are grounded in this way, he will see the positive you that is assertive (not aggressive, not passive-aggressive!). You are calm and saying what you mean and meaning what you say.

That means no arguing!
That probably means no more sex for him w/o commitment to you (you are violating something within you and hurting your core being when you KNOW that you want more than this).
That means being firm about the actions you are taking!
That means NO GAMES!

Don't try to make him jealous. You are ENOUGH for him to love. If he chooses not to love you, then you are worthy of love in the future with some other fine man who will truly appreciate and love you. Don't sell yourself short!!

A sister in the fray, C
 

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