Date:   7/1/2005 12:45:55 PM ( 19 y ago)
Hits:   1,317
URL:   https://www.curezone.org/forums/fm.asp?i=668829

Hey Guy,

I couldn't figure out quite what to say because while I completely understand and relate to what you're saying I know many of us struggle with this. Many people won't admit it, and even when you're brave enough to admit it, what the heck do ya do.

I was just reading a great book last night though, that sort of addresses it. The book it "Dance of Fear" by Harriet Lerner. Fabulous book, and Lerner has done many of these books. "Dance of Anger" is the one that I think explains best how she approaches thigns.

Lerner looks at things as "systems." So, you're a part of a family "system." And things in that system are expected to operate a certain way. If you threaten that system, then you're rocking the boat! So, likely you're bringing forward baggage (we've all got it) of peace being very important. Sometimes there's a cost for peace though.

Anxiety is the other thing Lerner talks about at length. I suspect you're experiencing anxiety when a relationship gets to a certain level of closeness. Lerner says we deal with anxiety five different ways: underfunctioning, blaming, distancing (sound like you?), gossip (getting people on your side, dumping your anxiety to others), and overfunctioning. I just read this section last night and I totally think it will help you. Your "stuff" is on a bigger scale, but really applicable.

Also, when things feel difficult, I try to remember that this is just an imbalance. Your tendency is to run (mine is too;) so this may be an imbalance that doesn't just "go away" but is something that you have to keep in check. Someday you may find that you've been married for five years and still think somewhere in your mind that you want to run. But, what I do is acknowledge the imbalance and try to just move the pendulum back closer to center. An imbalance just seems easier to remedy that a "problem." Much less daunting.

And, finally, it is ok to need space. Every relationship and person is different. I love my husband very much, but we spend a lot of time together. Sometimes I need to just be by myself. I can't change my being to make me some other way. But, I can make sure that my intention of being by myself isn't about just being away from him or being mad at him. I hope this makes sense.

Check out Lerner's book. Her therapy approach is based on "Bowen Family Systems." I've found this type of therapy to be really helpful for me.

Another book that is great is Bert Hellinger's "Love's Hidden Symetry." Amazing stuff. I've not read it cover to cover, but wow, even the first chapter opens your eyes to stuff. I'd love to do one of his seminars, but haven't taken the time.

Oh, one more thing. Are you a pisces? I am. I was reading astrologyzone.com. Wow, amazing someone that only knows my birthdate can describe me so well.

I wish you much success in your journey. Please remember that healing is not a project, but an on-going process. You're on a great path. Finding ways to love ourselves is also a huge process. Don't be too hard on yourself. You're further along in the game than you realize.

Blessings and love,
Karen

 

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