Date:   4/24/2004 1:57:59 PM ( 20 y ago)
Hits:   3,692
URL:   https://www.curezone.org/forums/fm.asp?i=665849

I'm probably not the best one to give advice, but I'm glad it helped.

I seriously question the idea of whether I'm really "caring or kind". The comment pine nut posted is 100% right about me. But unfortunately my codependent behavior in this relationship is not my only problem. I do it in every relationship, even with people I barely know.

Here's how my abnormal thought process works:

I have been hurt a lot in the past and to protect myself from anymore damage I need to always keep my guard up. I don't feel comfortable accepting gifts or compliments because I fear that the only reason you would do that is to get my guard down and hurt me in some way. So to stay in control AND get you to like me, I do things for you instead. This allows me to have some control over the relationship and reduce the risk of getting hurt.

It's a very lonely place when you feel that the only way people will like you is if you do something for them. I never expect anyone to be nice to me. I have to pay them to be around me by doing things for them. Making sacrifices so they feel grateful to have me around. So,if they don't appreciate what I've done then I feel like I haven't done enough and so I do more.

Doesn't take long for most people to start using me or ignoring me all together which is not what I want. I get angry at them for using me and then feel guilty for being angry. Being angry is not nice and good people are "nice". Everyone likes nice people and if I'm angry at you then you won't like me.

Noone gets by without asking for something so if I do need to accept something then I overpay my debt to tip the tables back in my favor.

I didn't realize all this self denial is extremely dishonest and of course this whole stupid process guarantees I will stay MISERABLE. Also another great side effect is noone ever really gets to know me and all the work I'm doing to get people to like ends up as a waste of time.

OKAY...That was depressing. Now for some good news. I may have a job! Maybe the next time I post, I can take the "unemployed" part off the title. My codependency has helped me mess up quite a few opportunities in the past...BUT I know I can do this.

Thanks you guys, it feels so good to vent! I am been feeling very hopeful lately. Thanks!

 

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