Date:   4/21/2004 1:58:24 AM ( 20 y ago)
Hits:   3,690
URL:   https://www.curezone.org/forums/fm.asp?i=665822

I printed that out and stuck in on the wall, thanks I really liked that. Yeah mtnndeww I know I got it bad. The guilt is unbelievable. It's like trying to carry a giagantic boulder around on your head. It's a combination of pity, and a lot of fear. Fear of failure, fear of change, fear of being disliked or being a bad person.

I kid you not, I sleep in a converted garage just so I can get some peace. Haven't had sex in years. I can't even talk about anything important because he either he refuses to discuss it or it turns into the blame game.

My childhood kinda sucked and I guess I just fell back into what was familiar. I just don't want that for my kid so it's gotta stop somewhere. I'm tired, afraid, and angry but nothing can be as bad as my life now. Crack addicts have more fun than I do.

I know I share equal blame. Nobody forced me to do anything. I complained but I kept spinning my wheels. I guess I thought I could fix him. Now I realize that's dumb. I'm not helping, I'm making things worse. I helped to create the monster. Everytime I take on more he did even less. Now he does nothing. But I quit. Uncle, white flag whatever.

I'm hoping the counseling will help me sort things out and ease the guilt so I can think clearly again.
 

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