Date:   7/20/2006 5:42:41 PM ( 19 y ago)
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URL:   https://www.curezone.org/forums/fm.asp?i=61913

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Dear BlueRose,

I grew up un Philly and knew many people who did drugs as teenagers. Some of them eventually "went clean" and lead great lives now, some of them still do drugs in their 20s and 30s, and I know of one boy who committed suicide.

I want to let you know, though you may know this already, that most of these drug users blame their worldly problems on their parents. One boy I knew growing up who was the worst drug user I could think of had WONDERFUL parents. I know this because I used to tutor his sister and I was frequently invited to dinner and other social events with them. I still cannot, for the life of me, understand how he could possibly think his parents were so uncaring that he had to resort to drugs.

I tell you that so that you understand that drugs distort people so much that your daughter may actually think of you as "the enemy", even if she is no longer doing drugs now. If you tell her that you feel betrayed, etc by her desicions in life, I believe that she will take offense to that and push you away more.

My advice is that when you speak to her or go to visit that you try to keep a more open mind. I know you already have negative feelings towards her significant other because of his previous child, age, and lack of financial status. Please be open to the idea that perhaps he may truely love your daughter and actually had her move for her own best interest. Actually, the "experts" do say that the best way to overcome drug addictions is to totally remove yourself from the social scene in which you had been involved and sometimes moving is a good way to get away from those temptations.

The boy I spoke of above who was a terrible user was in many rehab programs and constantly went back to drugs. I got a call from him one day that he was in jail and needed help. We were not very close friends, as I was his sisters tutor. I put up the $300 for him to get out, and he then entered a rehab program and totally cut himself off from all of his friends and family for a few years. In conversation with his friends and family members, I could tell that they were very hurt and angry because he would not even call or write or even let them know where he was. I ran into him many years later and he told me that what he did was the only way he could get himself clean. From what I hear now, he is married, has a good job and lives in the same neighborhood as his parents, though I do not know what his relationship is with them.

I also know of a girl who was a terrible drug user and, of course, blamed all of her woes on her uncaring parents. She wound up having 2 children while still in her teens and lives with her mother now, with whom she has a very good relationship.

I hope you are not offended by anything I have said. You sound like a very caring parent and I know you want to do what is best for your daughter. In my UNproffesional opinion, your best bet for having the best relationship possible at this point is to totally ignore any "wrongs" you think she has done to you (at least in her presence) and keep an open mind about the way she has chosen to live her life.

Since she is a mother herself now, she will probably start appreciating everything you have done for her. I know that I appreciate my parents so much more now that I have children. I used to resent them for this or that but now I don't know how they did as good a job as they did as parents, as my patience seems to be always stretched to the limits.

Of course, I say these things assuming that she is no longer doing drugs. If you find out that she is still involved with drugs, then the saftety of her child is an issue and she may need more hands-on help. You should seek out advice from people who have experience in that particular area, maybe the drug addiction support forum.

Good Luck,
Tina.
 

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