Re: Going crazy by survivor ..... Relationship Forum # 1 [Archive]
Date: 3/2/2003 3:40:31 PM ( 18 years ago ago)
I know exactly what you are going through. Its very easy for an attachment to become deep rooted when you really do have such strong feeling for the person. But you know what? More than the attachment aspect, it a dependence. You depend on him for your happiness. How you feel seems to depend entirely on how he makes you feel. And that is wrong. Never should anyone put such a heavy burden of making him/her happy on anyone else. Happiness has nothing to do with people around you or circumstances you are in. Happiness is an attitude - no matter where, no matter what.
And anyway, if you really mattered to him and he wanted to see you happy, he would not hang up on you knowing that you would be hurt. That is escapism. That is not love at all.Love is kind, patient and understanding. Just remember when a person does even little things like hanging up the phone, knowing that it would hurt the other, it shows that he does not care about that person's feelings and he is hurting you knowingly especially if they are repeated over and over again. So now you know that he knows he is hurting you knowingly- and so you don't have to make excuses for him. He is not making excuses for himself, is he? So why are you?
So when you keep falling in the same ditch, its like saying "here I am again-- to fall and to be hurt"...and you jump in yet again. How many times you want to jump is up to you but at the end of it, you'll be the only party affected adversly- you'll be the only one in pain.
Now that you know cleary that this is not the right person for you, just ACT on it. Its very difficult to think straight because till now your world has revolved around him and you can't seem to let go- and I am telling you here and now that its not going to be easy if you continue to subject yourself to it.
Don't waste your time and your life. Find other things to put your mind in. Travel (which you seem to be doing), go back to school to pursue a higher degree, do things you have always wanted to do, do some social work....put time into making others happy. You can make a big difference in so many lives with your time, why waste it on this one person who does not even want you.Try spreading happiness around- maybe work with children and old people who need help. anyway, that makes you feel that you are making a positice different in someone's life.
Or just do anything constructive that makes you happy- could be as simple as taking singing or piano lessons and putting all your energy into mastering that. If you are a believer, pray. It helps to pray.
The main thing is- keep yourself so busy that you don't have time to think of him. Its goign to be difficult to begin with but since you have already hit the bottom, things can only get better, right?
Most of all, remember that always there is a line between ego and self respect. More often than not, we keep making excuses for the behavior of someone we don't want to let go of - on the pretext that "I am not going to let my ego come in between us." But sometimes, in situations like these we lose sight of our self respect.
If you don't want someone to behave with you like he does, don't let yourself be behaves that way with. (don't mix this up with compromises which one must make in a relationship- that is different).
Stay away from anyone who does not respect you as a person or to put in another way- from someone who makes you feel absolutely worthless and does not value anything you are/say/do. He certainly does not. Pull yourself together, gather as much dignity you can and get out of this once and forever. No getting in touch again- not until you reach a point where you having no feelings for him- and that could take years.
Who knows - someone very genuine, warm, caring and sensitive might come your way soon (but please don't get into rebound relationships- give yourself time away from any relationship- (atleast six months to a couple of years)and then when you look back you'll feel "oh I wasted so much time and emotion on that person!"
Stay out of the country for as long as you can- that is the best thing you can do for yourself. Change of place definitely helps. If your stuff is still in his place and you are going to go there again, you might just slip back into the same cycle again. It would have been ideal if you had moved out already. Anyway, let your head rule your decision this time- unless you want to make yourself cry again!?
Take care and write in when ever you feel like
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