Date:   10/13/2002 1:33:05 PM ( 22 y ago)
Hits:   10,098
URL:   https://www.curezone.org/forums/fm.asp?i=61392

What I really want is to love my fiancee the way that I know that I can.

Part of the reason why I can't let go of my ex is because of my own esteem issues. You see, my ex and I met when I was very young. I was 19. He was 29. He was seperating from his wife of four years at the time, and to me, it was such a boost to my low self esteem that I felt he was leaving another woman for me. Even though now I look back, and understand he was leaving her for his own reasons-not for me. But the romance was so "storybook" and such a fairytale that my youth only compounded the magical feeling of the whole thing. I had never known love- I had never been respected- I had never had emotions like the ones I was feeling. All of these things combined to make it all the more dreamlike for me. These are the memories that haunt me. And it is so unfair of me to expect from my fiancee the things I got from that relationship. I am on a different level now-10 years older, more secure, more mature. Yet I am still haunted. And it seems, as the wedding approaches, my past relationship and the GOOD feelings that went with it are on my mind even more. I try to contact my ex on a weekly basis-to no avail. In the past months, however when I have "talked" to him on the computer, he tells me he still loves me and that no one will ever compare for him, either. That makes things all the more complicated.I feel extremely guilty for that, but I feel this nagging sense of "unfinished business" with him. I feel like I need to be near him again, as I mentioned before, because when I am in his presence, the BAD feelings come back too...and I think that this meeting will somehow benefit me. That I will be able to let go.
The interesting thing is that after I "talk" with my ex, I almost always have nightmares that I lose my fiancee becuase of him and I wake up feeling so sick and saddened.It's almost literally a "wake-up call"!!

At the time I broke up with my ex, I honestly and truly felt that I didn't want to be with this man ever again. He turned my stomach. But as time went on the bad feelings faded and the memories of our first couple of years together and all the good times came back. Why don't I feel that way now? Now I am confronted with the feeling of "what if" and "am I making a mistake" and I am afraid to JUST BE HAPPY with my fiancee. That's all I want. I have the perfect man-he makes me happy-but I am so scared that I will feel trapped. I just want old feelings and memories to go away. I just want inner peace with myself and in my relationship. I know its really NOT a big deal, but I am one of those people who has ALWAYS acted on my emotions and not necessarily on what's best for me. THAT'S what scares me. ARGGHH!!!

Is this all just my poor self esteem and thirst for his attention? Should I look for other outlets to boost my esteem? I know, I know, this is SO CONFUSING!!
Thank You both for your help!
 

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