Date:   12/2/2004 1:49:35 PM ( 21 y ago)
Hits:   2,651
URL:   https://www.curezone.org/forums/fm.asp?i=56581

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I have read your post a few times now...and each time was so overwhelmed by what you've gone through and have so many things to say about it...but I have not had the time to give you the reply that you deserve. Unfortunately, my time is short again today...but I am compelled to say a few things nevertheless.

I am so very sorry that you have experienced so much pain in your life!

YOU DID NOT DESERVE TO BE ABUSED AND NEGLECTED AND YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME!!!

It was your mother's responsibility to keep you safe and protect you from harm, and both your mother and her boyfriend abused and neglected you...and there are no excuses!

Children begin to develop their thoughts and feelings about themselves based largely on how they are responded to by the people closest to them when they are very young. If I child feels safe and loved....they come to believe that they are lovable...and deserve to be treated with kindness and respect. In turn, they treat themselves and others in a similar manner. By having their needs met and being well cared for...they learn to take care of themselves...and can also recognize when someone means them harm. Young children turn primarily to their parents for love and acceptance...and depend upon them for care and protection.

So when the very people that a child depends on are harming them...or putting them in harms way...they develop very different thoughts and feelings about themselves. They learn that they are not worthy of care and protection...that they are not lovable...and often believe that they are responsible for their treatment. They believe that they must be bad and deserve to be treated poorly...otherwise they wouldn't be abused and neglected. Children...especially as young as you were...don't have the mental capacity to understand that it is their parents that are !@#$ed up...and not them!

Very sadly, when a person grows up in this sort of situation and develops the negative thoughts and feelings about themselves...often unconscious to them...they will usually pick up where the abuser left off...either inflicting abuse and neglect on others...or on themself. Deep down they don't believe they are worthy of love or happiness...and so they will sabotage their own attempts to get the very things they need and often continue looking for love and acceptance from the very people who abused and neglected them...or find a replacement to treat them similarly...if not someone else then themself.

YOU DESERVE TO BE LOVED. YOU DESERVE TO BE HAPPY. YOU DESERVE TO BE CARED FOR AND PROTECTED.

You ask 'why should I care?' and wonder why you still have such a strong desire to please your mother and seek her approval. Only you can answer this for yourself...but I would guess that it is because there is still a part of you that is clinging to the hope that somehow...someday...you are going to get what you need and want from your mother. As painful as I know this is to hear...THAT IS A FANTASY...and it is perpetuating the damage that has already been done.

You say that you are still like a 12 year old. Your mother did not raise you...at least not emotionally...and she did not prepare you to be an independent adult. More than likely she couldn't have raised you because she is probably like a 12 year old herself. She already did her job...as poorly as she may have done it...and it is now your responsiblity to raise yourself! Yep...that sucks!!! She should have done the job right...and now it's left to you to fix her mistakes...and no, it's not fair! But, nevertheless...if you want to live a full and happy life...you have got to give up the fantasy that your mother is ever going to set things right.

YOU HAVE TO TAKE FULL RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOUR OWN LIFE!

When a child is abused they learn to constantly focus their attention outside of themselves. They become hypervigilant at looking for signs of approval from others...and at monitoring other's reactions to them in an attempt to protect themself. This is an adaptive mechanism then...but it becomes destructive as you get older and the same habits continue in your life.

You need to shift your focus from your mother's approval and acceptance...and instead determine what you approve of and accept in yourself and your own life!

YOU CANNOT MAKE YOUR MOTHER MORE LOVING OR ACCEPTING OR APPROVING. YOU CANNOT SAVE HER FROM HERSELF OR ANYONE ELSE.

YOU CANNOT MAKE YOUR MOTHER HAPPY!

YOU CAN ONLY MAKE YOURSELF HAPPY!!!

And there is no reason to feel guilty for finding love, success and happiness in your own life...even if your mother cannot find it in hers.

Whether you decide to go to California and stay...or to return...you will still need to address all this within yourself. Just because you leave the physical presence of your mother doesn't mean that you are going to break the emotional or energetic bonds between you. And the negative bonds that you have do need to be broken. This is not to say that you cannot establish another more healthy type of relationship with your mother, if you choose. You need to be relating to her as one adult to another...and not as a child to a parent. But this will only happen when you correct the relationship that you have with yourself and raise yourself on up!!!

*If you find that you feel like a child (12 year old) in specific areas of your life...try to surround yourself with loving, kind and supportive people who can teach you the skills that will enable you to do things that your mother never taught you. Take classes, see a therapist, join a support group, do a lot of reading...whatever it takes...but you can learn how to function as a competent, independent grown-up. And steer clear of people who are the least bit abusive, disrespectful, or controlling...they will only reinforce the same patterns that you were brought up with.

YOU MUST LEARN HOW TO PROTECT AND CARE FOR YOURSELF!!!

You have my very best wishes! : )

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I have read your post a few times now...and each time was so overwhelmed by what you've gone through and have so many things to say about it...but I have not had the time to give you the reply that you deserve. Unfortunately, my time is short again today...but I am compelled to say a few things nevertheless.

I am so very sorry that you have experienced so much pain in your life!

YOU DID NOT DESERVE TO BE ABUSED AND NEGLECTED AND YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME!!!

It was your mother's responsibility to keep you safe and protect you from harm, and both your mother and her boyfriend abused and neglected you...and there are no excuses!

Children begin to develop their thoughts and feelings about themselves based largely on how they are responded to by the people closest to them when they are very young. If I child feels safe and loved....they come to believe that they are lovable...and deserve to be treated with kindness and respect. In turn, they treat themselves and others in a similar manner. By having their needs met and being well cared for...they learn to take care of themselves...and can also recognize when someone means them harm. Young children turn primarily to their parents for love and acceptance...and depend upon them for care and protection.

So when the very people that a child depends on are harming them...or putting them in harms way...they develop very different thoughts and feelings about themselves. They learn that they are not worthy of care and protection...that they are not lovable...and often believe that they are responsible for their treatment. They believe that they must be bad and deserve to be treated poorly...otherwise they wouldn't be abused and neglected. Children...especially as young as you were...don't have the mental capacity to understand that it is their parents that are !@#$ed up...and not them!

Very sadly, when a person grows up in this sort of situation and develops the negative thoughts and feelings about themselves...often unconscious to them...they will usually pick up where the abuser left off...either inflicting abuse and neglect on others...or on themself. Deep down they don't believe they are worthy of love or happiness...and so they will sabotage their own attempts to get the very things they need and often continue looking for love and acceptance from the very people who abused and neglected them...or find a replacement to treat them similarly.

YOU DESERVE TO BE LOVED. YOU DESERVE TO BE HAPPY. YOU DESERVE TO BE CARED FOR AND PROTECTED.

You ask 'why should I care?' and wonder why you still have such a strong desire to please your mother and seek her approval. Only you can answer this for yourself...but I would guess that it is because their is still a part of you that is clinging to the hope that somehow...someday...you are going to get what you need and want from your mother. As painful as I know this is to hear...THAT IS A FANTASY...and it is perpetuating the damage that has already been done.

You say that you are still like a 12 year old. Your mother did not raise you...at least not emotionally...and she did not prepare you to be an independent adult. More than likely she couldn't have raised you because she is probably like a 12 year old herself. She already did her job...as poorly as she may have done it...and it is now your responsiblity to raise yourself! Yep...that sucks!!! She should have done the job right...and now it's left to you to fix her mistakes...and no, it's not fair! But, nevertheless...if you want to live a full and happy life...you have got to give up the fantasy that your mother is ever going to set things right...and YOU HAVE TO TAKE FULL RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOUR OWN LIFE!

When a child is abused they learn to constantly focus their attention outside of themselves. They become hypervigilant at looking for signs of approval from others...and at monitoring other's reactions to them in an attempt to protect themself. This is an adaptive mechanism then...but it becomes destructive as you get older and the same habits continue in your life.

You need to shift your focus from your mother's approval and acceptance...and instead determine what you approve of and accept in yourself and your own life!

YOU CANNOT MAKE YOUR MOTHER MORE LOVING OR ACCEPTING OR APPROVING. YOU CANNOT SAVE HER FROM HERSELF OR ANYONE ELSE.

YOU CANNOT MAKE YOUR MOTHER HAPPY!

YOU CAN ONLY MAKE YOURSELF HAPPY!!!

And there is no reason to feel guilty for finding love, success and happiness in your own life...even if your mother cannot find it in hers.

Whether you decide to go to California and stay...or to return...you will still need to address all this within yourself. Just because you leave the physical presence of your mother doesn't mean that you are going to break the emotional or energetic bonds between you. And the negative bonds that you have do need to be broken. This is not to say that you cannot establish another more healthy type of relationship with your mother, if you choose. You need to be relating to her as one adult to another...and not as a child to a parent. But this will only happen when you correct the relationship that you have with yourself and raise yourself on up!!!

*If you find that you feel like a child (12 year old) in specific areas of your life...try to surround yourself with loving, kind and supportive people who can teach you the skills that will enable you to do things that your mother never taught you. Take classes, see a therapist, join a support group, do a lot of reading...whatever it takes...but you can learn how to function as a competent, independent grown-up. And steer clear of people who are the least bit abusive, disrespectful, or controlling...they will only reinforce the same patterns that you were brought up with.

YOU MUST LEARN HOW TO PROTECT AND CARE FOR YOURSELF!!!

You have my very best wishes! : )


 

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