"I was Muslim before it was fashionable", says Shazia Mirza, the British-born Pakistani stand-up comic, with her trademark measured, deadpan delivery.

SHAZIA MIRZA
Jokes and Text Shazia Mirza Photo Mehrak Habibi

Now as a child, I saw graffiti in big letters saying, "Paki go home". It was my mum telling me it's time for dinner.

I am laughing at myself, and if I am laughing at myself and I am telling about the prejudice I faced as a child and the prejudice I face now for being Muslim and being a woman.

I am an Asian woman. I have facial hair. You can't see it today, it's Monday. I have it removed on Sundays. But people on the bus look at me and think, "God, you've got a moustache", I look back and think, "it'll be gone on Monday... beard, moustache, sideburns... I am half man."

I am laughing at myself and I am allowing you to laugh with me, then surely you should be able to laugh at yourself as well. And I am giving you that permission to do that also... And there is a very fine line between laughing and crying.

All men are pigs. Especially Muslim men, but that's news to me... I can't eat pork. Now Muslim men don't want to marry me, because I speak. My mum has been trying to marry me off for a long time now, ever since I was eighteen... months old. But you know my mum has a list of all the single Muslim men in Britain. It's called the Islamabad Yellow Pages. And in it, it's got height, weight and size of beard, all the most important things in a marriage.

My mum does have a list of all single Muslim men and I do call it the Islamabad Yellow Pages, and they do have ridiculous things like height and weight. It's so true and I don't think people can believe how true it is.The thing is, I don't need to make it up. The truth is funny. It's so just already there and ready for me to take it and put it on the stage. If I made it up, people wouldn't believe me and it wouldn't be funny. And people know it's true, because they feel it, they're laughing. That is the laughter of recognition when they know.

I've heard Crime Watch is now being shown in Saudi Arabia. Last week, a Muslim woman was caught shoplifting on camera. Police are looking for a woman... with brown eyes.
In Afghanistan, the women are not allowed to wear high heels; because the click of the heels is meant to attract men... All goats have now been locked up.

There is this juxtaposition of me being a Muslim woman in Muslim society and how has it brought me to be a practising Muslim woman in a Western society? The difficulties for me and the difficulties for the West and the difficulties of understanding each other, I'm making them see it from my point of view, which they've never seen before.

You know, I am Muslim, and last year I went to Mecca, not the Bingo hall, to repent my sins, and I had to walk around the black stone. All the women were dressed in black, so you could only see their eyes and I felt a hand touch my bottom. I ignored it. I thought, "I am in Mecca, it must be the hand of God." But then it happened again. I didn't complain. Clearly my prayers had been answered.

I say what I want to say and I am absolutely in control. I have the power and everybody's listening to me, and they've all paid money to hear what I have to say. That's not oppression. I don't feel oppressed.