Date:   1/11/2005 1:33:15 PM ( 19 y ago)
Hits:   3,007
URL:   https://www.curezone.org/forums/fm.asp?i=411968

I don't know why I do it. But I do it none-the-less. I am fine until I realize that I can't feel anything...no happiness, anger, sadness, or pain...nothing at all. It is then that I take matters into my own hands. Pain is a basic human feeling. Even the most "messed-up" people/animals can feel pain and react to it. It is fear that drives me...if I can't feel pain I must finally be dead, and my struggle has ended. But if I can feel pain, then at least I know I'm still technically alive, and should find the strength to overcome the hardships. And then I cut myself, each time harder and deeper until I finally feel it. It is a horrific esctasy. It saddens me that I must do this, but I finally know what I must do. I must continue along this insane life, because I cannot give up until I am dead.
Personally, I see these feelings and conditions that I put myself through and know that they are not as socially acceptable as bonding with friends, reading, writing in a journal, etc. But I finally found a way to cope. I am NOT suicidal. I just found a way to exist. So why am I told so often that I am "broken" and I need to be "fixed"?
 

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