Date:   11/13/2005 1:05:02 PM ( 19 y ago)
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URL:   https://www.curezone.org/forums/fm.asp?i=378516

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I only stumbled upon this topic by accident... First I want to say that I am really sorry not just for you but any person that was ever raped. I am just as sorry that half-humans who do these crimes go free. A few years in prison is too easy. There is NO way that anyone who is capable of commiting this type of crime will realize truly what they've done and change profoundly in couple of years. Not possible.

Now, as for your question, I am not an expert, but I have read quite a few books on similar subjects. One thing I've noticed is that any issue, challenge or problem we carry in our subconsciousness will surface when something triggers it. For instance, a person of divorced parents will never want to divorce, but will choose a partner so that the pain of divorce can be repeated. And when some similar trigger does happen, the person devorces, never really realizing that there actually IS a connection with their early experiences. I don't know if this is clear enough, or even if I am making sense... I could also compare it to an alcoholic who will drink when something triggers him to do that.

Same with people who have suffered and never had a chance to express it or properly "digest" it. The suffering will surface with proper "trigger". It could've been that you felt unprotected and that you feel the same about your kids - and that same feeling brought you those feelings back, same feelings you thought were part of history. Those feelings might've been a trigger. Or maybe you just had more time to yourself all at once. Sometimes people go through life in such a rush that they never get a chance to stop and really feel what they feel; and what they feel may be so painfull that they don't really want to feel it anyway. Then something slows you down, you can't escape by being a workaholic or watching TV all the time, so you have to face yourself and finally something that was burried surfaces and you feel the pain which was there always just burried. This is actually good - things that we don't even feel, direct our lives even more then when we do feel pain of some experience. And when those feelings surface, it is like something that was decomposing in a beautiful lake and then surfaces after a long time - it is not a pretty sight, but is a step in right direction not matter how bad the feeling, and how ugly the sight.

I would not just work on getting those feelings out, but rather I would start from the very very start: when were you victimized BEFORE rape. Did anyone ever hit you? Did anyone ever put you down like "You idiot!" or "Stupid, you good-for-nothing..." or anything similar. Were you supported in being independent and self sufficient as a kid and teenager? Was your mom like "No, let me do it for you... you don't know what you're doing". Try to remember any of those (usually the first response is - no, I never had that... and then person remembers slowly). I imagine there must've been some of those, except that every family (or whatever the early environment) has their own way of creating victims - I mean people who will later be in some way victimized.

People who were victimized will later be victims. That's the whole point of victimizing our own children - if we put them down often enough, they will become so incapable of taking care of themselves that later they will HAVE TO come back to us. I do not support that kind of thinking, but there are many parents out there who are not aware that they are afraid of being alone and therefore raise their children NOT to be independent. This way they hope to be with their kids for the rest of their lives (certainly beats living alone!). Selfish and sad but true.

I remember seeing a "magician" who had this great trick - he could make people do what he told them to do. For instance, he would ask people to pick one of the 5 symbols he shows them: a cross, a square, a triangle, waves, or a star. They all pick one, and draw it on a piece of paper. He then drives them outside of the city and shows them an old house - inside that house he painted the symbol that he knew they would pick. They all picked that same symbol!!! It was amazing to watch. They were also amazed. The trick? There is no trick - they are just easy to manipulate and he used that to suggest to them a specific symbol. The suggestion was pretty much imperceptable (I saw it on TV, and didn't really notice it), so they swallowed it. He also showed how he could pick a random person on the street and make them put their hand on the window and they wouldn't be able to take it off. He did that, and until he verbaly let them take off the hand, they couldn't take it off! It's not like he held their hand there - he just told them a suggestion and they felt they couldn't take their own hand of the window.

I am mentioning this, because there was a key ingredient to his success: he said that he wouldn't just pick out anyone from the audience or on the street, but has a way of recognizing people who are easy to manipulate. Basically - submissive people, victims.

We all send out some kind of message about ourselves with the way we walk, talk, dress, and so on. People are capable of reading these signs within about 1/20th of a second. That's how long it takes someone to choose his next victim.

This is not to say that rapists are right to take advantage of that. Only to say that there are sick individuals who look for it.

The best thing you can do for yourself is to try and find some responsibility on your part for what happened. I don't mean something stupid like "you were too attractive" or "didn't fight hard enough" or whatever lawyers may try to use in court. I mean, try to see women around you who you feel cannot get raped. There must be some. Some really strong woman who is not trying hard to be liked, who actually doesn't care what others think of her, and who will make your life a living hell if you approach her with anything but best of intentions. Are you that type of woman? Be honest and see if you are. Then see if that has anything to do with the way you were brought up.

There is one image that stuck in my mind. It was an image of a young kid in WWII Warsaw ghetto, probably about 5 yrs old, and a big german soldier pointing a gun to his head. The kid was having that cute and scared look, along the lines of "how come this is going on". The soldier - well, just pure evil. Why was the kid puzzled? Because most kids are brought up with: "Listen to those who are older then you..." "Be nice to your neighbors", "Show respect to grown ups..." and so on. No one tells kids "You know son, some of the people are sick S.O.B's who don't really deserve much respect, and the only thing you need to do with them is a) recognize them quickly and b) deal with them in such a way that you don't get hurt. Have your parents really ever tought you that? At least they probably haven't spent much time on it, not as much as teaching you to be nice.

It is not wrong to be nice, only it is wrong to be nice when maybe you should be quite the opposite.

Try to find that "victim" in you. Try to see what is it in those people that the magician I earlier mentioned sees as "good customers". Try to find that same thing in you. See if you can challenge yourself and see how being nice, sexy, pretty, feminine, is good, but is not everything - that there is a part of you that is underdeveloped ,and therefore seems like an invitation to evil. Any bully picking his victim will first go for those who are least likely to give him trouble, right?

If you can see that responsibility in you, and this is very abstract type of responsibility, it is on some energy level, hard to describe but is there, if you can see that in you, you are on your way of getting rid of that victim in you. And once you're not a victim any more, you will feel like the whole rape experience was in some other life - not really you any more. And in a way - you will be right to see that it was not really "you", as the real "you" is now differnt ("now" being - when you become stronger and a "winner" instead of a "victim").

No one will try to rape a winner, only a loser. I am not trying to put you down; I am only trying to see if this is something that you recognize as something that contributed to your experience. And if it did, then it is the first thing you need to change.

You mentioned that there is some kind of fear that you might run into the rapist. Here's the difference between a winner and looser: looser will be afraid of running into the rapist again because again they wouldn't know what to do. A winner would be maybe afraid of running into the rapist again but for a different reason: for the fear of strangling him or hurting the rapist. I would for instance be afraid of hurting him badly. I wouldn't even care how big he was, I would be that angry.

And no one wants to hurt someone who they feel will make them pay for it. Even less people want to take advamtage of someone who knows how to protect himself/herself. Remember in wild west, how they had holes in a wall, and they would stick their gun through it and yell at anyone who is uninvited "That's far enough, what's your business?". That's protecting oneself. Someone else would just walk out with a nice pot of coffee, regardless of the fact that it's a stranger, and sooner or later someone else would take advantage of that person.

As much as this may sound almost sick (that a victim may be in some way responsible for being raped), please try to find that part of responsibility in you. See what you can change about yourself so that no one would ever want to hurt you again, and that no one would ever be able to hurt you again. Remember also those suggestive criticisms from the childhood and every time today you feel like a failure or are feeling down try to verbalise it like: "I feel like I'm good for nothing", or "I feel that this is all useless". Whatever the "down" feeling, put it in words to see what is it exactly that's making you go that route. Then, see if it's really REALLY true. Are you really "good for nothing"? Remember if anyone ever treated you that way - like you were of no value to this world. And when you remember those people realize that it is NOT truth, it is just an old suggestion that you are living even today.

Also remember that no one is born into this world unless God wanted them here. Unfortunately some people forget what their purpose is, and may become depressed, or rapists or whatever. Your children certainly need you, but they will grow and as they grow you will have more and more time to yourself. And you will be able to help make this world a better place in some way, no matter how little it seems to you. Even planting flowers helps make this a better place.

First thing is just realizing that no one has that right to hurt you. Then you need to realize that you can defend yourself, that you do have that right. Maybe it's time to learn aikido, or whatever you like. Maybe start from Tai-chi and then go into aikido. But above all, observe your every move and see what is it that's making you tick - deep feeling of inadequacy and victimhood or true belief in yourself and feeling "I can do it". Then if you feel like a failure, observe other women - it is even possible that some of them you dispised for their aggressiveness or arrogance. And maybe you're right, but there may be something about them that is worth learning from them. It's best to advance by learning from good examples.

You don't have to become a "bitch", you just need to add a few more things to your personality, namely a "warrior".

I hope this helps.
 

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