Date:   11/28/2004 8:19:33 PM ( 20 y ago)
Hits:   5,801
URL:   https://www.curezone.org/forums/fm.asp?i=378440

Dear Friend,
I am so sorry to hear that your marriage is coming apart...
And I am so sad to hear that your husband's life was so affected by the rape...
I have been raped multiple times and I could not tell, I am Romanian and people don't even talk about those things there. First time it was when I was only 5 years old. That was a nightmare...because it was beyond my comprehension at that age. Later it was still bad, but it didn't affect me so much. When I was 25 years old I came to America and I knew exactly what I was getting, a life where people can not mess with you that way...rape. It took me many years to heal and I am still having issues(like extreme sexual shyness), but the healing begun when I was able to talk about the rapes. I told the most unexpected people, like strangers or my Mother-in-law. You can see that not everybody can comprehend what it means, but it makes you feel better.
Now, about your husband, I hope that the rape is the only reason why the marriage is coming apart, because if that's the only reason, you guys will make it!!! My worry is that the rape and the long time when he couldn't talk about it brought other problems...Is he only depressed or is he having other issues? Like drinking?(Don't be offended, this was just an example). I am a depressed person and it took years to realize that I was depressed, but I noticed lately that Depression is 'fueled' by guilt, more than pain of what happened before. Take all you know about your husband and address everything gently with him. You make a plan first and you be prepared when it comes to sit at the 'negociating' table with him. Be very gentle and expect all kinds of reactions from him, but don't take any of them personal, just try to be detached. He's not trying to hurt you, is the hurt in him that makes him act like you don't understand him.
My personal oppinion about males being raped: I think that it is much harder to cope for a man than it is for a woman. Man are expected to be 'man', but we often times forget that they are much more sensitive than women. And something of this magnitude(being a man and getting raped) is almost too shameful to talk about. "What if people think that I am gay? That I enjoyed it?" Etc. I am saying this, my point being that he should be saluted for the fact that he had the 'guts' and sincerity to talk about it. You should praise him for that. And just start from there, make your little secret list of problems that you know he has and address one by one, in the most gentle way possible. As I said before, don't expect that he will cry in your arms and everything is going to be OK right-a-way. He might be angry as he expresses his feelings, but not at you, just WITH you.
It is worth helping your husband, but just make sure that you have the energy and will, it might take a long time and many gray hairs later you might succed. I pray for you and for him.
Love, Elena.
PS I don't think you should tell him that you posted a message here(he might get mad at you, because he is too tender right now), but rather 'show' him a message board or forum of male rape victims and see if he wants to talk to people that went thru similar experiences as he did(talking to strangers can be very healing, because you know that they don't know you, they don't have anything to gain from your pain, they will not come out in public with your secret pain and it is completely private).
 

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