Date:   12/6/2005 1:20:04 PM ( 20 y ago)
Hits:   2,063
URL:   https://www.curezone.org/forums/fm.asp?i=378302

Hello robbojnr,
I'm a 51 year old male and I've been depressed and fantasized about suicide all my life mainly because of family. I say "MAINLY" because of the attitudes about 'SELF' that I learned from them as a child (basic non-identity, treated as less than a human being). But it's also that my parents divorced. They first separated when I was 15, but I knew years earlier (probably before I was 10) that they should not have gotten married. Well, you know where that would have left me (unborn, never existed). I always, every so often, had a feeling that SOMETHING is wrong, something somewhere, somehow, for some reason is wrong. I wasn't even sure why I felt that way. I finally figured it out about six months ago and the feeling stopped. That is why I'm writing this, because it is the mystery, the 'not knowing', not understanding that causes the most harm and pain. When I heard someone say that THEY were the victim of their divorce and wondered how their two little children will deal with it, I realized how important FAMILY is in our childhood. They are our introduction to life, they teach us what LIFE is and how to deal with people and realize that we are one of them and that we deserve the respect that a human being deserves also. Family is a sort of 'MINI-society' and our identity is that we are a part of it. Most people feel comfortable and take for granted that they 'BELONG' (just by virtue of being born into this world, but I never had the same comfort. That feeling is like looking into a mirror and in that mirror, nothing exists, NOTHING (the mirror of oblivion, the mirror of non-existence). But, if in that mirror, NOTHING exists, than neither do I (SELF). I was a good, loving person and could feel SENTIMENT, but not EMOTIONS, because only SELF can feel emotion. I could feel BAD about things and could feel GOOD about things, but not happy or sad because happy and sad are emotions. Pain was only an undesirable sensation, but who was I to 'desire' anything anyway? Ten years ago, I heard somebody say "I wouldn't take a job that 'I' didn't like or want". I was fascinated by the words "I", "want" and "like", but especialy the word "I". Whenever someone would ask me why I did something, I would say,..."Well, that's just me", but now I knew the word "I" and loved that word "I". Using the word "me" to describe yourself is inferior beause it only REFERS to yourself, but the word "I"...DECLARES YOUR EXISTENCE. The discovery of the word "I" was one of the greatest experiences of my life, the best was recognizing that mirror and discarding it. I don't know if you have the exact same situation (divorce) in your childhood, but any dysfunctional family probably cause a similar identity crisis. Probably most LONG-TERM Depression is some form of identity crisis where the 'SELF' has been alienated (destabilized).

Understanding and destroying the mystery is the first step to healing.

 

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