Date:   11/17/2016 12:01:18 PM ( 8 y ago)
Hits:   1,317
URL:   https://www.curezone.org/forums/fm.asp?i=2343348

After reading many of your stories, I can't ever imagine what pain many of you have and are going through. I've typed and deleted this message so many times, it feels like "luxury" problems, compared to many other experiences. I hope you'll have an open heart, because I didn't know where to turn. I need to understand what happened, some advice if possible or if this is not the place, where I could turn then.

I'm having trouble defining what happened. I was with one of my very good friends. We've always talked about everything, I trusted him with my life. I've never been attracted to him and didn't think he was attracted to me either. One evening after school we made dinner, like I do with a lot of my friends, and had a glass of wine with the food. Then we had another glass and another and so on. I was wasted at the end of the evening and remember us dancing the robot dance to some music. From this to waking up the in the morning, naked, I didn't have a clue what had happened. My mind was completely blank.
Now a couple of weeks later I have flashes of a faint kiss at the dinner table, of him standing above me in the bed with an erect penis. And another flash when he seemed very unhappy with me bleeding. I remember me crying and going to the bathroom wearing my dress. That's all. I woke up completely naked, he slapped me on the bottom and kissed me before he left. I was so confused, I didn't remember a single thing. There was blood in my bed, I sincerely though that I had gotten my period early and forgot to use a tampon. That was not the case. The day after I receive a message, he was asking if I had found the condom. I told him to call me and asked what the hell he was talking about. He sounded offended asking if I didn't remember, and when I said no, he asked if I was shitting him. He told me that we used a condom to begin with - where this condom has come from, I have no idea, and I don't know when he or we proceeded to have sex without it. I'm very conscious about using a condom, very careful to avoid STDs. He made me apologize for punching him in the face, biting his lower lip so hard that my teeth dug into his lip leaving two bloody holes from my front teeth. He told me I was wild in bed.
I do like sex and I do like variations, but I have never ever before had sex that rough or ever fantasized about it. That's also one of the things that make this whole experience so uncomfortable. I don't remember anything, I feel so guilty, so dirty, so used and worn and I feel so exploited. I stopped talking to him, he didn't understand why, asked why I wasn't as accommodating and friendly as usual, if he demanded too much attention or if I was stressed. As we study at the same university and hang out with the same friends, I didn't want this to be a big deal and told him how I felt, how uncomfortable it was not to remember what had happened. He said shit happens. I told him I didn't want to be his friend anymore, I didn't want to talk to him more than necessary, taking into account our group of friends. I didn't and still do not want them to know what happened. He said that he understood and seemed a little bit sad that we couldn't be friends. I thought he understood. A half hour later he wrote a message asking what I was doing, if we should study together, if I wanted to see a movie or make dinner after school the next day and so on. He shows up wherever I'm sitting when studying, lunch breaks, and parties. He's always around, always writing messages, every day, like nothing has happened even when I don't reply. I truly find him disgusting, and get nauseous and anxious when he's around. Sometimes when we're all talking a lunchbreak he throws some comments about me like "oh she's definitely not passive aggressive" hinting to the sex. And nobody gets what he is talking about - except me. And finally I see through that 'charming' smile of his and waiting for the bomb to drop.
My problem is that I don't know what happened, I don't know if I was willing, if I acted along or I was passed out, if I said no or did anything. It's killing me. And I don't know what to do about this guy, how in the world can I make him stay away without everybody knowing what happened. I'm a mess, I can't focus, I'm nauseous, so tired, and my emotions vary from explosive anger and sadness to complete numbness. I haven't experienced this state of being since I was a little girl with a drunk father and cowered of a mother. I have no control. Don't misunderstand me, I function real properly at the university and with friends, laughing and cracking jokes. I just need to know if I was raped or if I was in on it. To know what happened, to make him leave me alone. It doesn't seem like he thinks he did anything wrong, no matter what I tell him. I just need to find a way to move on.
 

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