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Re: Married into Narcissistic family by #68716 ..... Narcissism/Sociopathy Survivors Forum

Date:   9/15/2016 3:30:05 PM ( 7 years ago ago)
Hits:   23,712

Weary, I'm so sorry for your experiences. 

Its sounds as if there are a number of toxic dynamics going on in this "family," from the MIL to the husband and on to the step-son.  There is absolutely nothing that you can do to "save" this marriage.  You can only "save" yourself.  If, by chance, your own personal changes promote positive effects upon the relationships, then that's terrific and the marriage may become healthier, in due time.  However, from what you typed, there is a reason that the first marriage ended in divorce, and probably not because of what your husband has told you.  The dynamics of this family sound abusive, on every level.  There is clearly an absence of boundaries, on every level.  From the MIL to the stepson, it's no-holds-barred as far as inappropriate behaviors go.

I would gently suggest that you consider the option of individual counseling to learn techniques to manage this toxic environment as far as you are concerned.  I would also contemplate the possibility of taking immediate actions to prevent further trampling of boundaries. 

For instance, at 16, the stepson should be out working at a part-time job, preparing for college, engaging in extracurricular activities, and so forth.  That he is addicted to video games is 100% the fault of his parents - video games, television, DVD's have ALL replaced healthy family interactions as a means of babysitting and managing children, today.  If they're quiet and not causing problems, whatever they're doing on their computers doesn't matter in many, many families.  This kid is going to be a burden if he isn't forced into some sort of "normal" pattern of behaviors.  Is the stepson taking Ritalin or Adderal?  Those drugs are other means of management to alleviate parents from taking a role in raising their offspring:  if they're quiet, we don't care HOW that quiet is facilitated.  Setting boundaries without saying, "These are your boundaries," will be difficult, at first, and absolutely cause problems, but the internet, cell phones, and all technological devices need to be EARNED.  Kid wants internet?  Then, he can darn well take out trash, mow the lawn, do the dishes, and begin changing his language BEFORE the internet is restored.  Password protect the WiFi.  Disconnect and store all video consoles away until they've been earned.  TEACH this kid about rewards and consequences.  

MIL is a different story.  If she arrives unannounced, nobody answers the door.  If she continues creating a scene, call the police and have her escorted from the property.  Post a "NO TRESPASSING" sign on the porch at eye level so that there can be no questions.  This woman has to earn the privilege of coming to your home.

This MIL is not going to change.  The spouse is not going to change her.  So, the choices are that you can remain in this environment and do nothing until you lose your mind.  Or, you can remain in this environment and engage in individual counseling to learn positive steps that you can make to help yourself cope.  Or, you can contemplate ending this contract of marriage.  At any turn, none of the options are pleasant (as is often the case).  So, whenever you have some moments of calm, quiet, and balance, it would be a good idea to contemplate these choices, write down your personal goals, and imagine (NOT PREDICT) what your life will be like 5 years from now, and then 10 years from now.

Also, please, consider the extreme levels of anxiety that you're experiencing within this whole family dynamic.  Anxiety can cause dreadful physical, spiritual, and emotional issues, and this is why I suggest counseling - a trained professional can give you the tools that you need to cope and manage your situation.

Brightest blessings to you on this challenging journey.


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