Date:   5/14/2016 1:56:28 PM ( 8 y ago)
Hits:   679
URL:   https://www.curezone.org/forums/fm.asp?i=2318215

Short Story - My Life

Rape. It's a word that raises a lot of emotions for many people. Victim. A different word, yet it has a similar effect on individuals who read it. The two words seem to often be used together. For men, those words mean something different than they do for woman. Rape is still widely thought of as a crime against woman. Even though a man who is a victim of rape suffers different than a woman victim of rape, the impact is the same. Yet somehow society doesn't speak about male rape victims often enough. I'm not writing this to bore you with statistics of male rape. I would like to speak from a personal perspective and share with you how being a victim of rape affected my life. I first want everyone reading this to know I am by no means "anti homosexual", in fact I am completely against "anti homosexuals." I'm simply sharing my story as a way to possibly speak directly to the hearts of those who need to hear it.

For the longest time I used to identify myself as bisexual, but I had only sexual experiences with men. To most of my friends I was straight. To my sexual friends, or gay friends I was gay. To myself I was bisexual, but I really never fully looked to have sex with women. I found some of them attractive, but I was way more picky about woman than I was with men. My sexual exploits started with an older cousin. The short of it was I was raped repeatedly for 15 years. So much so it was the only thing I had known sexually until I became an adult. It started around the age of 6 maybe, I don't remember many details. He was four years older than me. First it was touching, then oral, until we were having sex. When I was young I didn't really know it was wrong, he was older than me and I thought it was what we did as cousins. Plus I looked up to him. By the time I knew it was wrong, I figured it was better happening to me than my younger siblings. The mind frame of being the oldest. When I got stationed in Cali at the age of 18, that's when I got the courage to attempt sex on my own. Of course I looked for what was familiar to me, men. You could say I attempted to replace what I missed with my cousin.

I had never been in an actual relationship, but I had plenty of sex with men. Some on the regular, most were one night stands, but never found someone that I wanted to "settle down" with. There had been a couple of guys that I thought I could take it to that level with, but it never worked out that way. I just chalked it up to what was meant to be. I have always been a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. My idea of a relationship seemed to be a fairytale. Wasn't looking for love at first sight, but you can say I wanted to fall in love by accident. Kind of wake up and find myself in a relationship that happened naturally, and wasn't forced at all. Through all the guys I have had sex with, and countless time I spent "putting in work" with men, it was a woman that stole my heart. Talk about accidental love, this wasn't something I realized right away. Actually as my mentor helped me heal from my rape, I denied the feelings I had for her for the longest time. It was him who helped me realize exactly what my heart was trying to tell me. She was my best friend. I hadn't ever thought of her romantically, let alone sexually. To be honest the idea frankly scared me. After a long period of time fighting through that fear I realized it was worth the wait. Have you ever kissed someone and felt every nerve ending in your body exploding? Has sex ever been so blissful that it was hard to distinguish between fantasy and reality? That's how I know for me, my wife is what is right.

Now whether I was meant to be gay, bisexual, or straight, is irrelevant. My rape took away my ability to explore my sexual preference on my own and choose for myself. I feel my rape affected how I sexually interacted with men for years. What's sad is I'm not alone. My journey has inspired me to help others like me find their way, as my mentor did for me. It not about making homosexuals heterosexual, it's about helping individuals heal from a traumatic event in their life and having their mind, body and heart speak as one. It's about living a life of happiness, free from the torment that may have been bestowed upon them. It's simply about letting go. I want to be able to give a person an outlet to talk, and to speak without feeling like someone is going to judge them. Have them understand that there's someone in this world who has been through what that have and know there is a light at the end of the tunnel. For now I think that's more than enough information about myself, but if you have any questions feel free to ask.
 

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