Date:   12/21/2004 4:03:21 PM ( 20 y ago)
Hits:   2,708
URL:   https://www.curezone.org/forums/fm.asp?i=22216

Hello, what a caring heartfelt message!

I was really impressed by your commitment to your relationship. Your words really hit home because I was in 2 relationships that were very similar, and LOTS of minor relationships, so my heart went out to you.

Those partners meant so much to me, too. For me, there was such a pure radiant glow whenever I did something that seemed to console or uplift someone I loved. It was just magic, getting that crisis phone call, showing up at their house with dinner and kind words, spending a wakeful night listening to all their problems. And they were SO grateful for it. "I'd be lost without you..." Finally feeling appreciated!

Now, for me, the only problem was that I couldn't keep up the magic for very long. After a while, nothing I did was good enough! In all cases, the other person ended up disappointed and upset and frightened and very angry because I just wasn't doing the trick any more. By the way, the minute I left, immediately, without a pause, those men immediately found a new women to care for them with no difficulty at all!
Sigh.

The finest people in the world can get depressed. It's a horrible affliction, I suffer from it myself. It demands constant SELF-care! In all areas of life! So, not just a wonderful partner like you, but also physical care and discipline and nutrition; constant research and striving.

Is it at all possible that living with a depressed person is making you depressed or at least getting you down?
If so, and maybe that's why wrote to us, there are 1,000 things you can start doing, right now, today, to become more healthy and resilient. That way, if the relationship heals (and many do!), you will be ready to keep up with the positive changes in your partner and go on to live a happy life together. If it breaks up, you will still be ready to go on!

Two questions.

1. Dear sister, are you safe from danger? Even good people in the grip of anguish can slap out at someone dear to them. If there is ever a chance of that (there was with my relationships; it was only a matter of time), then I truly hope that you will very gently build up ways of being more safe (and there are many good sources of help for this).

2. Will he allow you to take steps to be more happy and healthy?
Some men feel VERY threatened if their partner starts working out, or balances her weight, or goes to bed at a regular decent hour, or makes new girlfriends, or starts putting more enthusiasm into her career. Again, I truly hope that even if he never changes at all, he will not prevent you from taking little steps, this day, this VERY HOUR, to expand your own caring devoted spirit.

Many years ago I started by going to Al-Anon (which does NOT tell you to leave your partner, though people think it does) and by reading a book with the stupid title "Women Who Love Too Much." Sometimes its writing style is kind of goofy, but the book helped and consoled me and encouraged me to clean up my own act first.

It would be nice to hear an update about how things are going.
Please care for your body, and reach for the best companionship!
The world needs caring people like you!

Blessings,
Autumn

 

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