Date:   4/23/2011 2:53:19 AM ( 14 y ago)
Hits:   1,960
URL:   https://www.curezone.org/forums/fm.asp?i=1802644

I'm at a loss for optimism. I'm 22 years old and still feel like a kid. I act like an adult. Go to work, work hard and pay bills. I'm socially awkward. I blame homeschooling and my unusual upbringing.
I tell myself I believe in God. But most of the time claim to be an atheist. I really do believe in God, I just don't believe I'm going to heaven. I drink, do drugs and whine to myself. I feel all alone and hate it. But any social interaction gives me anxiety.
I'm depressed because of a girl of course. I met her a few years ago. I lacked the confidence to properly speak to her. But I managed to get a date in which at the end she told me we were just to be friends. I was crushed. I couldn't give up and she invited me to church.
And I went. Every Sunday and Wednesday for as long as I've known her. The more I saw her the more I liked her and I never gave up the hope I might change her mind one day.

We are so much alike and very different. I know its been said before. But she amazes me every time I hear from her. We became good friends and she's told me a lot. And still off and on I tried to get her to date me and sometimes it seemed like she liked the idea. And then she would always remind me.

I've known her for years now. Just this last winter our relationship became really close. And for me it was greater than anything I could imagine. A bad year for both of us. But the end justified life. We both have bad childhoods and bad addictions/habits. Hers probably worse than mine. We were there for each other and it felt good. I know we went too fast.
She dumped me after a month or less. She said she made a mistake and she did love me, but only as a friend. She still really wanted too stay friends but would understand if I didn't. I told her of course I wanted too.

She says she's a lesbian.
I knew about this. I know about some of her ex-girlfriends. And I think I've met her new one. There's also a guy. She's known him sometime too. He stays at her apartment overnight some times.
We still hang out. It feels weird for me. But I feel like I cant loose hope or I'll quit breathing.
I know I'm weird. And lonely, and a horrible failure and most common things.
I still love this girl. I want to be with her. I tell myself though maybe she's better off without me. Even as a friend. I don't know what to think or say. And definitely don't know what too do.

Advice me world. My emotions are in a storm and thought betray me.
 

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