Date:   10/24/2010 9:48:45 AM ( 14 y ago)
Hits:   7,629
URL:   https://www.curezone.org/forums/fm.asp?i=1712243

I'm so glad to hear that you're having some better feelings during the past few days - one day at a time, and (sometimes) one minute at a time.

The questions that I asked weren't meant to sound harsh, cruel, or unfeeling.  I experienced similar episodes at the hands of an abusive ex-spouse, and I completely understand the lure of putting an "end" to the miserable memories.  The important thing to consider is this:  you are far, FAR more than the sum total of those events.  Certainly, those events have caused a myriad of negative impacts upon your life, feelings, opinions, and views, but they are not to be confused with whom you are meant to be - finding your true potential, if that makes any sense.  For Survivors of abuse (of any type), my feeling is that we have a mandate to get through these events and assist others in their struggles. 

That you have the insight to see that there are issues is one of the most powerful tools in your arsenal, right now.  Rather than ignoring the issues or excusing them or making up some random explanation, you are staring the issues squarely in the face and speaking truthfully and honestly about them.  For this reason, alone, there is hope and ALMOST guaranteed success that you will emerge from your experiences, accept the past for what it is, and have the ability to reach out to others in a very meaningful way who have endured the same types of episodes that you have.  Even in the darkest corners of your being, this fact is a glimmer of hope for you.  You are not the sum total of those past experiences, and how you will choose to address them will determine whether or not you choose to Survive.

As for reaching out to this former friend, it's something that nearly everyone entertains who has experienced negative episodes.  We want answers.  We want feedback.  We want to know if the person has been as devastated as we have been.  Even with abusive ex-spouses, we often want redress for the sins that were committed against us.  The "reckoning" is not made with our abusers or co-abusers.  The "reckoning" is with our Selves.  Most often, this requires that we maintain NO CONTACT with abusers or co-abusers for the rest of our lives.  The reason is quite simple:  there will be no apology; there will be no truth-telling; there will only be salt poured over an open wound.

Yes, find a counselor with specific knowledge of PSTD.  You are a courageous and valuable human being who has every reason to fight it out and break the cycle. 

Best wishes to you on your journey to healing.

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