Date:   7/12/2010 6:10:36 PM ( 14 y ago)
Hits:   4,207
URL:   https://www.curezone.org/forums/fm.asp?i=1652339

hey,
I don't know when you posted this, but i just wanted to let you know I had read it. I don't have the answer for you and also am struggling with being really terrified myself,havign brought myself through a SORT of abrupt process of stopping triggering food. Then I feel guilt and shame about this abruptness and fearfully anticipate being screamed at for being abrupt. ....i just have had the HORRIFYING series of thoughts that "I need to get more intuitive with how I eat and need to be a little defiant and binge a little --" sort of akin to the emotional grounding you are talking about. ... help. I feel like I can't /am not allowed to decide to give up the triggering foods now. As though this decision would be "forced" and "prudish" and self-forcing and lacking in some sort of "integrity." ... what I DO know thank God is that my body is in such a poor state of health that I CANNOT binge to my satisfaction . i guess that once I get healthier it will be an extreme temptation to go back to triggering foods. But ... I guess also my body is just one of those bodies that will probably never be safe to put triggering food in...

Also, then, if I, once healthy, start determining to use triggering food again, I have to examine my values, the values I am holding, if I make such a decision. I am valuing an EXPERIENCE of OBLIVION over other things... do i want to do that? And the experience of oblivion... leads to chaos in my life and lack of control.. as far as I can tell from my experience -- I guess -- or am I merely TELLING myself that, since I am afraid to examine myself REALLY and discern what the truth REALLY is? -- Either the truth is (a) I can handle triggering food or (b) I can't. But... oh I am too tired to finish this. Sorry.

I have tried for years -- no, decades -- to get clean from my food addiction. Finally I have succeeded in bringing myself to a mental emotional place of STOPPING the triggerign food -- ALL triggering food -- forever. I really am able to conceive of living clean, and of not even SEEKING comfort or an emotional experience or "impact" or ... Do I want o throw all this work away? ... Why will my supposed best friend not call me, in this crucial time in my life? What is the "right" thing for me to do? What is going on? .. I think I am beating myself up with notions that I ought to do "right." I think I am "right" to do exactly what makes me happy.. and that is food sobriety and fasting.
I am in such a whirl I am not even thinking about the fact that I am fasting. Oh my god and it is so scary too I had almost 3000 calories yesterday. that's crazy. Keep that up and I will be the Goodyear Blimp. Why am I allowing this behavior in my life? It just isn't safe or honoring to me to put myself at risk to get fat this way. Oh God - forget it! Let me feel secure and happy again knowing how much better a person I will be if I just stay sober and fasting! I DO feel this. I guess. But then there is the voice that sneaks in and says that i OUGHT to binge , and merely CONTROL MY emotional distress about the bingeing -- as if that course of action/way of life were somehow "more authentic." I am terrorized by this thinking because I have no rebuttal to it, only my own intuitive resistance to it.

... the bingeing/triggering food is never not-distressing... am I not allowed to avoid something distressing???

.. ok I see I am out of control. so - it is good and necessary for me to stay with my sobriety decision( and my fast of course). I worry so much about whether my sobriety decision (bitter green living foods only and push away the food when so much as slightly uncomfortable [in any way and for any reason] with eating) is "valid." I am terrorized by evaluations of the "validity" of my choices.

Addiction is so hard. i ... will go to AA tonight ... but... to speak of all this explicitly there... I can't explain... I feel pain... I feel fear... about sharing any of this out loud in the group. I am frightened and guilty because of the possible inappropriateness of sharing about addiction to food. I .. wish it were different. i ... wish I were correct to share. But i guess what makes me happy is correct. i am too tired to resolve this right now.

One thing helping me is that i see that if I give up the self-indulgent food behavior and get sober, I am renouncing pleasure in a way that is "grown up" and I can become a more appealing positive person this way and I can become more attractive by making this renouncing, grown-up decision. The decision to fast is a temporary decision of the same nature. I think working with these concepts could help me make a firm decision to fast and stick with it.

Just letting you know someone else is going through it, too. kind regards.
 

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