Date:   2/21/2010 11:34:24 PM ( 14 y ago)
Hits:   1,712
URL:   https://www.curezone.org/forums/fm.asp?i=1577598

 Ok ...I get it .. thanks

wonderful info that has me seeing things in a new light ... I promise not to take anymore of your valueable time . I will not post anymore of my issues and problems or such...  I know there are people out there more important that are doing the protocol ... so If I do it then I do and if I dont then I guess like you say I will keep doing what I am doing till I dont ...

I am not mad at all ...just  disgusted at this point ... more disgusted at myself for not having the guts/motivation or will to follow through ...

 I wont post again till I have done something to improve my health ...is that better? is that what you want to hear?

seeing as how I keep having reactions to everything that I do to heal myself its kinda hard to do anything at this point ..thats why I said I needed to go slow..yes I do get it.I dont need to be taking synthetic vits either...

 I have a job and a life and the  title of mom and wife that I have to live up to and do the things it takes to be that around here...and they cannot deal with me being incapacatated and out of order .(yes I  know it could be worse)....but they dont understand ..I live my life for them more so than me ..I try to make them happy more so than me cause I am and always will be a people pleaser..... is that my downfall? yep sure is

 noone knows what its like to live in my shoes nor do I theirs..... faced with a lifetime doctrine of negativity instilled into my brain by my  mother its hard to make myself be positive !!! I really am trying but I am a procrastinator cant you telll... I have very good intentions and mean everything I say when I say it  but I have attention problems or ADD as they call it ... and cannot follow through with what I say that I am gonna do..... I realize this and its a devastating thing for me !! I said it!!!!! and thats one of my issues .....  so I am sorry from the bottom of my heart ... cause I cannot help it ..... I am a weak soul that is doomed to fail unless I figure a different way...

I wish I werent like that but I really dont know what I can do to change it  as I have tried for so long to do so....maybe its a lifetime of never being held accountable ..

so I truly am sorry to be wasting anyones time on here and to know that you are so quick to give up on someone not doing what you say .. but if someone doesnt give a **** then why should I??? after all I do things for others all the time unselfishly ..I am willing to go that mile to help others and I sacrifice things for myself to do it all the time ..cause I enjoy helping others and its easier telling others how to do and what to do than doing it myself ...is that not screwed up ????I was in pre-med at 18 yrs old to become a doctor so that I could help others! not knowing what I know now.glad I didnt finish though..

 maybe I am taking all this too personal right now but I just want you to know that I am not doing what it takes cause I am scared !!! not because I dont want tooo... scared of having a reaction and noone here to help me and talk me through it ..and reassuring me that everythings gonna be ok ..... call me a big baby or whatever you want but when you have been through what I have been through then you would understand where I am coming from ...its not that easy and I have been through a lot in my life ...my mother used to chase me around with a scissors /knives or whatever she could get her hands on .never gave me any privacy at all . would call the law on me for not coming inside when she locked me outta the house to begin with ..getting sent off to reform school at 13 because of her bs ..on probation for bs too.she was whacked and sometimes I think I am gonna turn out just like her ..is it really possible for someone that is born with that condition to reverse it???? I really wanna know!!  cause she was born with it ...her dad (my papaw ) died in a mental asylum ...my aunt(moms sister) was an alcoholic so that runs in my family too...my dad has problems and has been on pain pills for 20 yrs... among others meds...

 I have 4 brothers...one who tried to kill himself over his ex-wife..one is in jail for drugs ..one is on opiates/benzos for back/nerve problems and is basically worthless.. and the other one is on opiates and whatever else he can get .I have noone .my best friend takes pills for fibro and back pain and cholesterol/diabetes ....and I am married to an alcoholic too! so you see the pattern is not good for me !...and they(dads side) are all the time pushing me to take an  opiate for my back pain and nerve pills for my nerves!!! my best friedn is telling me that I have an inherited nerve problem and I need to be on something!and hubby is an alcoholic! its insane !!! I have more to deal with here than just doing a cleanse and taking herbs ..I have to deal with them! and  lets not forget trying to keep myself on the straight and narrow and doing everything I can to get healthy while everyone around me is trying to kill themselves..and take me down with them!!!! I am doomed it seems ..trapped in a hole and I cant seem to find a way out .!!! one thing that doesnt run on my dads immediate side of the family is cancer !! and I dont see why not !!! cause of everything they eat /do.....

 and blood pressure is a big thing for me ...and its a phobia for me !! so its not something I can turn off like that ok! I have seen/heard of the family dying from high bp induced strokes and heart attacks till its got me running scared of it...maybe its the only thing that I can or feel like I can control I dunno ...

I get paranoid about things like that and I think that if I can keep a check on it then I will know where I stand and that I will be able to do something about it..

 I do have control issues in my life to where I have got to be in control of certain things .. if I dont then I have anxiety about it cause I have felt outta control for way too long in my life ..go figure...... I know I have problems/issues ..and its just very hard to try to keep fixing myself all the time and not have any help/support ..... I also am a pushover/gullable... I have let people manipulate me all my life and cannot seem to get a backbone to stand up for myself either except when it come to my hubby and kids and thats where I draw the line and I so know thats it not right  .or untill I get pushed to the limit then watch out.... guess that come down to when I was a kid and getting teased all the time for being poor and wearing funny clothes and never feeling like anyone liked/loved me then either and being called ugly or olive oil cause I was skinny and had long legs ..so hence the people pleasing thing came in..hey! I can make friends that way ! . but I guess with my kids and hubby well I wont tolerate anything more than I can take cause I have to live with them and I could not possibly take it every single day .....they say you hurt the people you love way  more than strangers ...guess thats true in a way..

people like me hide behind masks every day ..trying to be someone that they always knew they were meant to be or are trying to be but because of their raising and influences they cannot overcome and that in itself can cause major issues and problems  and obstacles..when you are not given the tools to deal with life issues and you have to figger them out on your own and are not prepared to do so it makes for a hard troubled life..

mama Uny ..you know I love you !! and I know you mean well from the bottom of your heart and I am so sorry for everything ..(.you see I never really had a mamma !! or at least not one that would tell me what I should do and what I shouldnt do and one that held me accountable or one that I could talk too . .only one that would yell at me whenever I got on her nerves and she was on nerve pills ! and a stepmom that hated me ).and I respect you from the bottom of my heart for what you have done for me ...but I dont ever ,ever wanna be a burden on anyone or take away your valueable time for others that are serious about their health ..

I am so sorry  for being the person that I am sometimes...but I really dont know how to fix me!!... but I am trying !! please know this!!... not everyone is tough and can do what it takes without someone there riding their ass the whole way !! I guess I am one of em and I dont expect you to do that ..or anyone else!

I have succumbed after reading your post to drinking beer and wallowing into my own self doubt and self pity ..so yeah I am buzzed now and about 8or 10 beers in speaking my mind and the truth about myself and who I really am.and crying croc tears while doing it... killing a few brain cells huh? well I am guess I am showing you whats left of what I got then cause I can become my true self when I drink and I guess thats what reels me into the trap of alcohol .. and I figured what the h***... if everyone is gonna give up on me then why bother ? but if everyone is for me then I have to carry the load of letting em down .. not a load I want to carry at all.....

dont know whether or what anyone will think of me after this but I guess its a consequence I will have to deal with and if need be Uny ? just delete it.. that would probably be better..

but I can say this... I never ever would turn someone away who needs help and is trying to get it right in more ways than one ..everyone has their demons to fight and not many can do it on their own...it all comes down to who is stronger ..the healer or the one wanting to be healed.. hey! I am learning every day...

my monthly trips with dad to the doctor and the influences I have to deal with are not good but I refuse to let him make that trip by himself in his condition cause I love him and I will be there for him at any cost ...

I took my daughters boyfriend in while she was away for military duty for 2 weeks and he has a mental problem and noone else would even try to understand him but me!!! my friend was tellling me to kick him out!! and I couldnt /wouldnt do it.. it wrecked havoc on my nerves and my family but I was determined to help him understand a few things and ya know what? it worked ! he went back home for a bit with his dad and he spoke highly of me and what I told him and how I made him understand things and that made me feel really good that I could help him out like that .. because I showed him love and understanding and my heart and reality and a little tough love.... even though my daughter is treatin him like dirt that boy to this day calls me mama and tells me he loves me for what I have done for him! .he after all is a human being that deserves love and respect ..now if I could only show myself the same huh?

speaking of my daughter...well Uny knows what is going on and I am gonna be in court tomorrow to see what the deal is ... she is fixing to be 19 and has just went totally wild this year .. messing with guys .....lying ... being irresponsible the whole bit and its tearin my heart out too... she got arrested friday ( while I was outta town)for driving on suspended and missing court date ..I really hope she straightens up cause she doesnt wanna listen to anyone and thinks she knows it all.. I have had to deal with drama because of that too..no peace  at all this weekend till I turned off my phone..

sorry this is such a long post but I felt like it was necessary for you to know who I truly am and what I am up against .. I am being totally honest here ..

there are a lot of people that post on here on curezone in general and they(some) only give pieces of the story .. I try to give the whole story and sometimes I may go into more detail than others want to read .. I also learnt a lot on the benzobuddies forum but there they accepted you for who you was /are and only gave a loving slap on your back when they thought you were doing something you werent suposed to ...or would harm you ...I am a stubborn soul and have learnt to find my own way in this world or maybe one that suits me ...I also  know that if and when the time comes that I hope I am strong enough to fight the fight for my life if need be... and if beer kills your brain cells then I would be brain dead by now for sure ...but I am not ..mabe a little ignorant but not brain dead! I am a smart person on certain things fer sure ...and high on logic and an IQ of 162 according to tests I have taken but that comes back to me always trying to figger out why??? why??? why? why people do the things they do.. even myself .. everyone does what they do for a reason..there is always something behind it ..and I try to figger it out..a profiler? maybe I am ..maybe I have missed my calling.... but I am good at reading people pretty good I think .I also know how much I was misunderstood as a child living with mom and having to go and talk to probation officers that chose not to hear my voice and my cries only telling me that I needed to listen to my crazy psychotic mom or that she could call them and have me sent off. thats when I became rebellious to no end . I know the people who are good and the ones who arent by now... and Uny you know who is going to do what it takes and who isnt by now dont you??  fer sure you do?am I on that list ? not sure ...as I dont know myself given my life situation.... I was premature in pumping myself up I think . only time will tell...is mine a pity story? no more than anyone elses..we all got our on demons to fight huh? so wish me luck on that one ok... maybe I will get it right one day and I will have someone to back me up and help me along the way cause I literally havent got the mental/physical strength to do so right now... sorry to be a burden on anyone cause that my dear friend is something I never wanted to do ...

and for the rest of you dear people that have tried to help me .. I thank you from the bottom of my heart .... please say a prayer for me folks cause I need it!

peace/blessing/thanks and big hugs to you all

Uny you have given me tough love when I needed it and I thank you from the bottom of my heart ... keep on healin those that deserve it gal... glad to have known ya! I am officially giving up for now cause I dont know how to fix myself anymore and I know its not anyones job to do that for me either after all I am a big girl now huh? sorry to have wasted your time....maybe one day I will get it right  .

Anne_33

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