Date:   1/18/2010 9:19:23 PM ( 15 y ago)
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URL:   https://www.curezone.org/forums/fm.asp?i=1557040

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Anti - Christian

I was a Christian since before my pre-teen years. Christianity didn't bother me. Then in my later teen years (17) I had such horrible guilt over committing the unpardonable sin. I went to counseling to help me resolve the issue. The good news was, the counselor told me that a Christian cannot commit the sin in question. I could have by accident, blasphemy the Holy Spirit by ignorance rather than with malice in my right mind. I was only angry.

With that said, I was actually ignorant of the Bible itself. While being a Christian, I had no idea what the Bible really is about (no wonder Christianity didn't bother me). All I was is a person who was taught with beliefs by my surrounding people. I was (and still am) gullible that can believe without evidence.

Then starting at 18 years of age I started reading the Bible out of curiosity of the truth of Christianity. At first it was fun! I really enjoyed reading all the encouraging verses of the Bible. Then I started finding darker passages throughout scripture that actually startled my feelings. I was always bothered by a passage in Acts 5 that contained an account of God striking a married couple dead. Then a passage in Corinthians (forgot which book and chapter) where God smote a group of people to sickness or to sleep (dead) over taking communion without first analyzing their sins. The Corinthians passage turned me off about taking communion, and I would NEVER EVER take communion again.

There were many other things that bothered me about the Bible/Christianity since I've dug deeper into the situation. I am an OCD sufferer, and my OCD was controllable, mainly consists of excessive handwashing and counting, but at age 19 Christianity converted my controllable OCD into uncontrollable OCD AND scrupulosity. Now onto what caused my scrupulosity to take effect, a very stupid cause at that, I found another passage in Corinthians (I believe the first book) comparing between two different sorrows over sins. Godly sorrow leads to salvation, and worldly sorrow leads to death. Worldly sorrow interpreted by many conservatives is to turn to Jesus because you're aware of the evil consequences, which is a sinful approach to Christianity. Godly sorrow is to feel remorse over your sins, and over your sins only, not for refusing to be punished, because that's selfish. That, bothered me because I wasn't sorry for my sins at all. In fact there are many things I enjoyed that are considered sinful by many Christians, especially the conservatives. I couldn't help that at all... I would pray constantly for God to give me the "gift" of true repentance but no answer...

I was startled by that verse. I asked questions on many Christian sites, and most of the answers I get were not much better. Then I get this BS that I must make restitution for all the damages I've done (which is a lot) or you are not saved. Again, this is supported by many conservative Christians. My mind was bottled with heavy doubts of my salvation. The fire insurance just wasn't there and Christianity was not satisfying like what Christians say it is... Whatever happened to the teaching to the faith alone salvation doctrine? What ever happened to Christianity being a relationship with God instead of a religion? Well, Christianity surely is a relationship with God, but it leads to a religion. Despise that religion and your relationship is no more.

I was overly scrupulous because of the sorrow comparison in the Bible. I tried with every fiber of my being to mustard up Godly repentance over sin. It worked for a very short time. In that short time I thought I've finally become truly saved! I was extremely scrupulous and extremely careful not to sin or to get tempted or to feel joy in the sins I may have committed. It was a walk on eggshells, and was not a joyous experience... It was fearful! Then overtime I feel guilt again. I would go to bed guilty, wake up guilty, and even feel guilt in my dreams! My good dreams would also turn into terrible nightmares, nightmares based on my religious fears. One night my guilt has got even worse, causing my heart to work overtime in anxiety, in my sleep! I felt lost, I felt unimportant to and rejected by God. This is when I backed out of giving a damn about my sins/misdeeds. I felt relief, BIG time relief. I still held onto God as a person, but dropped my guilt feelings. I was also hostile towards the Christian religion (besides God) as a whole, calling it a crock of shit.

At age 20 my relief wore off. Guilt returned, and finally My OCD would attack me each and every day with ugly thoughts about sin and condemnation. Then my OCD would also give me flashes of God constantly smiting me and yelling at me, each and every time I remember doing a sin. I didn't even respond, and it still goes on. Next, I finally started talk backing to God in my head. At the time I didn't even know it's my OCD doing this. I thought it really was God punishing me. I would get so angry with Him I started committing many sins just so I can piss Him off even more. I would mock Him, insult Him, call Him just about every name in the book including cuss/swear words, etc. in my own mind. Yes, He would respond, with a real nasty and rigorous context. No He would not say a cuss word, however He often used Biblical vocabulary! The usual tone of His voice I would hear in my head is rigid and firm. Sometimes He would raise His voice depending how angry He gets.

My mind had a lasting brutal war between only two people, me and God. It was a terrifying experience. It caused me to develop new sinful habits in my life, like hating my enemies, wishing them dead, browsing p 0 r n o g r a p h y, and a large series of other bad sins I prefer to keep in private. I felt hopeless, I felt like I sold myself to Christianity. Rebel against Christianity, and experience its wrath. I've learned from the experience the Love of God extends only to those who kiss His ass with "good works"; attending church each and every Sunday; read the Bible each and every day; and praying before acting, talking, working, eating, driving, enjoying entertainment, and going to bed. Maybe even praying before pissing, shitting, and barfing!

There are several OT (and a couple NT) passages preaching against a popular belief "God's love is unconditional." According to these passages, God hates workers of iniquity. Another set of passages that bothered my feelings. Is the God I'm supposed to worship, revere, love, and serve, a God of love? Or is He a God of hatred, wrath, and cruelty? Well from what I've read from the Bible, He is a living, breathing complex of contradictions.

This is my experience with Christianity, and OCD/scrupulosity in a nutshell. It was a terrifying experience! I thought I was alone in having God yelling me/smiting me in my OCD. Actually I still think I am. I have never seen another OCD story like mine. I have read other stories of Christians getting startled over making restitution with your past sins that caused damage and entered into scrupulosity...

Finally I have discovered this site, ExChristian.net. I found out I am NOT alone in leaving Christianity. Everyone surrounding me who are Christians have never left their faith. Me being the only one who did leave the faith left me feeling alone. Ever since I embraced Ex-Christian.net most of my OCD has healed. It only takes leaving the fold to cure from such a ridiculous situation in my life. Praying didn't do a God Damn thing for my life. The Bible says "Pray without ceasing." Well, no matter how many times I pray, I don't get any answers. It leaves me alone, with my questions unanswered. Again, Christianity is not satisfying. I've had a more satisfying life without all this Biblical nonsense...

I wanted to thank Nature for such a wonderful solution to Christianity. After all this BS excessive praying for God to reveal, I didn't get any answers. Christianity is not the answer, it's the question. Leaving the fold is the answer to the question. Even if Christianity were true, there is no turning back for me. My experience with Christianity was way too bizarre to face the atrocities again. I can't afford to feed my OCD anymore! If Hell exists, then I am sure I'll be there for all of eternity, which I really do not look forward to but that's the way it is and there's nothing I can do about it. I cannot understand the complexities of Christianity without serious discipline and willpower, in which I lack the patience for that. Maybe I cannot understand the complexities of Christianity at all.

Christianity just isn't for everyone. I am not the kind of person for this or any other religion. Me being a liberal, and an "I do as I please" kind of person, being a Christian is a total opposite of my nature. I want one nature, not two. I want spiritual peace, not a spiritual war. I want a joyous life, not a fearful guilt-saturated life.

Now that I'm 21 years of age and still in recovery stage, my OCD still exists, but a large portion has vanished away. However for my remaining portion, I will seek attention and advice on curing that. Feel free to post comments providing advice of any kind concerning my OCD. Now If you enjoyed my story, I can probably write a side story going deeper into my Christian experience, or even a sequel, "The Recovery", in the future.
 

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