Date:   12/30/2009 10:53:22 PM ( 15 y ago)
Hits:   13,391
URL:   https://www.curezone.org/forums/fm.asp?i=1547135

Warning... a lot of anger! Obviously anger seems to be my primary vibrational set point here... sorry if any of this makes me sound like the biggest spoiled jerk ever... its not that I logically think all these things but in my free scripting this is what I came up with. I really appreciate your help!!!

"When I think about work I get angry. It makes me so angry that I should have to work for someone else, like a slave. I feel like there is no job I can do that I will like aside from my writing, and I feel like every job I could possibly do takes AWAY from my writing. There is no way I will have the time to work on my book and acheive my dreams if I have to spend my days slaving away at these horrible jobs. All of these jobs make me feel bad about myself and hurt my self esteem. I don't know what I want to do for a day job. My celiac disease makes me so limited that I'll never be able to do anything. Why is it so hard for me? It isn't fair! I'm so pissed off. I'm pissed off that my celiac diease makes it so I can't work in restaurants anymore like I used to enjoy. I'm pissed off that I'm so limited. I'm pissed off that I should have to work for someone else when I really want to work for myself. I believe in law of attraction but I don't believe that it can work for me since I NEED a job but I don't WANT a job. Im so pissed off. I'm so sick of this stress and misery. I want things to be the way they were when I didn't have to work and I traveled all over the world. I want my life to be on MY terms, doing what I WANT TO DO, doing things that make me feel good about myself and better the world. I want to start my own business but I dont see why anyone would hire me vs all my competition when I have such a terrible work history, have only had crappy minimum wage jobs or having been a stripper. I don't see why anyone would want to hire me at all. I'm a terrible worker with a low work ethic and a bad attitude. This isnt something I really want to change either. I feel like I have a bad attitude because I'm BETTER than working 10 hour days cashiering for minimum wage. I want BETTer for myself but I don't know how to get it! I do believe I have the drive and the attitude to find something better but I don't know what direction to move in so I just do nothing and complain all the time because Im so stressed out. I know thats stupid and I hate myself for it but Im angry at God and the universe because I dont know what Im supposed to do! I am angry that it came down to a choice between stripping or being homeless. Im angry that I had to do horrible things to get money to pay the bills.Im angry that I should have to sell chunks of my life to a corporation in exhcange for a measly, crappy pay. I'm angry that I KNOW I have the drive, intelligence and skills inside of myself to succeed in anything but I CANT FIND WHAT THAT IS! Im angry that I don't know what I want to do besides writing novels. Im angry when people tell me I should write for newspapers or other stuff and they dont get that 1) YOU need a degree for that 2) I dont really WANT to do that. Im angry because I know exactly what I want, I want to be a novelist/screeplay writer but I cant survive on that yet. IM angry because I want my time to be my own and have my own business but there simply isnt anything else Im passionate about enough to put the drive into making it happen. Im angry at myself for being the way I am and Im angry at God for giving me celiac disease and having me get so sick and destroy my work history for the past years of my life. Im angry that things are so damnhard for me when all I want is to be successful writer and make my family proud. I'm so angry that it should be this way. I hate it so much. All I want is a well paying, completely independent way to make money on my own time, me being my own boss, that I can work some hours and make the money and then have most of the day/week to write. Im angry that I dont have enough food to eat and that I cant afford good healthy produce that I want. Im angry that food, rent, clothing and everything else is so expensive. Im angry that this idiotic world bases everything around how much money a person makes and not whats in their soul. It makes me sick that Im looked down upon by some people because I never had the money or interest in going to college, yet I'm more educated by my own hands/reading/experiences than half of them. Im angry at the entire way society is set up. Im angry that when I do work they take a huge chunk of my paycheck in taxes. I dont even WANT to make money because I don't want to hand it over to some horrible government that funds overseas wars that kill thousands of people, attack their own cities, doesnt give us health care and doesnt even allow gay people to get married or marijuana to be fully legalized. Im angry! I hate this system and I don't want to be a part of it. I learned to not be a part of it for this past year, left the country and now I dont know how to re-enter this system! Im angry at myself because I know Im blocking out work in so many ways, and that its my fault but I dont know how to change the way I feel. I dont WANT to feel differently about these things so how can I tap to clear them? I don't want to NOT hate the government! I don't want to WANT to pay taxes or work a 40 hour workweek! I WANT to work for myself, be my own boss and be in control of my life and do something I feel good about but I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT IS and it makes me SO ANGRY!"

^^There it is... there's a lot. I'm not sure how to break it down into things to tap on... help would be appreciated!

<3
 

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