Date:   10/21/2009 5:53:03 PM ( 15 y ago)
Hits:   5,989
URL:   https://www.curezone.org/forums/fm.asp?i=1511531

Today is the closest I’ve come to thoughts of carrying out suicide. In the past, in the midst of terrible episodes or incidences, the idea has crossed my mind. It’s as if, today, I realize that ending it all is the only way to be truly free of this affliction.

I don’t know why God has chosen for this to be my cross to bear…..but the cross is much too heavy, I can’t bear it. I’m sick of feeling ashamed, embarrassed, humiliated, frustrated, confused, lost, left, alone. I hate that I have to pretend to act normally while all the while my mind and body are making me tense and nervous. I’m a good person, I’m a smart person, I’m a pretty person, I’m an outgoing person. How envious I am of those who don’t have to deal with this! How does it feel to attend meetings, meet with people, participate in social functions and even do something as simple as sit next to someone without fear of Body Odor ? Things that seem so simple and second-nature would mean the world to me if I could just do it. I’m 29….I’d give up 20 years of my life to be able to live the next 40, odor-free. I’m married and have 4 children. I met my husband in junior high, I’m convinced he’s smelled me, but he won’t admit it. My children have never told me directly that I smelled, but there have been times when they walked to an area I was in (one incident that stands out is I was nervous talking to my pastor and was pretty sure I smelled bad) and she said that it smelled bad. I don’t want to be an embarrassment to my children. They’re 14, 10, 7 & 10 months. Though I know it will hurt them if I leave this world, I just don’t have the strength to keep fighting this horrible fight.

I’ve suffered with this for 17 years. The past two months (when I started my new job) have been a nightmare. In the past, I’ve been ignorant to my odor (unless I got the right breeze of wind). Now, I clearly smell an egg odor at different intervals throughout the day. Taking Pepto Bismol worsens the problem, increasing it to the smell of a rotting carcass. I don’t know how it’s humanly possible to produce so much gas, but it doesn’t help that I can’t control when it’s released. My body has become my prison. I left work early today. The only thing that brings me peace is the idea of seeing my children off to school and daycare, dropping my husband off at work and just sealing myself off in the garage to fall asleep away from this world. I’ve never felt this low before…I always thought there was hope…I’m tired of stinking…I’m TIRED of it.

 

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